Parodies of the One Piece Kind
by thermopylae
Summary: I mock them because I love them. Chapter 17 up: Zoro faces his strongest opponent yet, and speaks honestly from the heart.
1. Chapter 1

**dislcaimer**: I do not own "One Piece." 'Nuff said.

**notes:** Short pieces parodying both fanfic devices (including, don't worry, my own), in-manga/anime plots. Because nobody, especially Zoro, is ever really safe when I'm around :D Piece 1 - helps if you play RPG games, specifically Final Fantasy.

"5,740"

"No." Zoro crossed his arms, looking stubborn.

"Why not?" The man stared down at him.

"It's not right."

"_What's_ not right? There's a huge man itching for a fight, you've got three swords, he wants to fight you! I really don't see what the problem is!" Nami shook her fist at Zoro from across the field.

"I agree with Nami!" Usopp piped up from where he was engaged in battle. "I, the dread Captain Usopp, would gladly dispatch the enemy for you, Zoro, but I seem to have left my 80 thousand men at home, as well as the sacred sword Excalibur in the pocket of my other overalls. So do me a favor and kill him for me this one time?"

"No." Zoro's brows beetled together fearsomely. "I am a swordsman. I follow the way of the sword. I fight other swordsmen to increase my skill. _You_," Zoro spat the word out with disgust, "are not a swordsman. You use _frisbees_. It's not worth my time."

"But I would be a challenging opponent," the frisbee man explained.

"No. I will not fight unless there's a swordsman. There's _always_ a swordsman. There's always a boss for Luffy to beat, and an animal-like enemy for Chopper to fight and self-confidence from, and an enemy susceptible to weird, improbable attacks for Usopp to fight, and a stupid-looking enemy for the shit cook to fight -"

From where he was, Sanji dodged an attack and collapsed in a corner, sobbing. The pondscum was right. He _did_ always get the stupid-looking ones.

"-and a token woman for Nami to 'fight,'" Zoro finished. He winced as a rock hit him in the head. "Dammit, Nami, what the hell was that for!"

Nami and the token female enemy were both glaring at him. "You know, Zoro, I can _see_ you making scarequotes from here," the navigator said testily.

"So?"

"So if you don't want a fat lip to go with your fat head, you'd better watch what you say."

Zoro opened his mouth, thought better of it, and turned back to the frisbee man. "I'm not fighting with you," he said. "Go away and send a swordsman instead."

The frisbee man pondered this for a minute. "But," he said finally, "I am worth 5,740 experience points."

"Five..." Zoro stared at him. _5,740 exp.,_ he thought. _That's enough to get me to Level 58. And then..._

"Once I reach Level 60, I'll finally be able to beat Sephiroth!" he said aloud. Everyone turned around to stare. "I mean," Zoro amended hastily, "Mihawk." They all turned back again.

Zoro undid the bandana from his arm. He tied it around his head. He unsheathed his three swords and stuck Wadou between his teeth. "Let's do this," he said, somewhat indistinctly. The frisbee man nodded and raised his frisbees.

_Just you wait, Sephihawk,_ Zoro thought grimly. _I, Roronoa Zoro Cloud, am coming for you._

-------


	2. To Walk the Plank

**notes:** Set after the Water 7/Enies Lobby Arc. No spoilers, unless you haven't gotten up to...the entire series?

"To Walk the Plank"

It was all over. Robin was back among them, and the Straw Hat Pirates were once again sailing on their merry way.

Well.

Almost merry.

The night was still quite young, yet each member of the ship sat alone. Zoro leaned against the starboard rail, stretched out as if for sleep but not sleeping. Luffy sat cross-legged on the figure-head. Sanji was in the kitchen, putting the dishes away. Usopp tinkered with something in the storeroom. In the men's bedroom, Chopper lay in his hammock, watching the lamp overhead sway back and forth with the motion of the ship. Next door, Nami sat hunched on her bed, a blanket wrapped comfortingly around her. Only Robin slept.

_Bellemere_, thought Nami, and smiled.

_Kuina_, Zoro thought grimly. He clutched Wadou a little closer to him.

_Mom...Dad...Kaya_, thought Usopp. He caressed his trusty slingshot lovingly.

_Shitty old man_, thought Sanji. A drop of water, suspiciously tear-shaped, fell on the plate. Sanji wiped it away hurriedly.

_Doctor...Doctorine..._, Chopper thought, and snuffled just a tiny bit.

thought Luffy.

The night passed.

After breakfast the next morning, the still subdued crew gathered around the kitchen table. Luffy spoke first.

"All right," said the black-haired boy, unusually serious. "What has everyone got?"

Sanji cleared his throat. "One time, a customer came to the Baratie," he began. "I remember it so well. He ordered the orange duck and pumpkin soup. I was in charge of soups that day. The pumpkin was amazingly fresh. It had been picked only that morning and specially sent to the ship. The soup was the best I'd ever made. We were short on waiters at the time, so I had to bring the man's orders myself. But I didn't mind. I was so proud of that soup, and wanted to let him know I'd made it myself. I was still young, you see. So I laid the soup down in front of him, walked away, and got started on the other orders. But then, later, after they carried him off to the hospital for emergency treatment, I realized that _I had mixed up the customers. I had given the soup to a man who was deathly allergic to pumpkin_. I - I never really got over that." He fell silent.

After a minute, Nami touched Sanji's arm. "That's awful, Sanji," she said sympathetically. Sanji swooned.

"Yeah, that was pretty tragic," Luffy conceded. "Okay, who's next?"

_Thank God_, thought Sanji through his nosebleed.

Nami raised her hand, the one that wasn't being covered in kisses by a still-bleeding Sanji. "My turn. _In addition_ to murdering my foster mother, seriously injuring Mr. Gen, terrorizing the entire island, destroying homes and lives, and holding me in indentured servitude for the best part of my childhood, Arlong also made me scrub the floors every day. Like, _every day_! The whole building. I mean, there were some rooms we didn't even use! I think that's what really turned me to a life of thieving and blackmail. I just had to channel my resentment, you know?"

"Ooh, me next." Usopp waved an arm in the air. "My dad actually did come home once, a couple of years after Mom died. I ran down to the harbor to meet him. He stepped off the ship, took one look at me, and turned around again. I've never seen an anchor pulled up so quickly!"

"Usopp!" exclaimed Chopper. "That's terrible!"

"Yeah..." Usopp tried his best to look sorrowful but noble. _Good thing it's not true,_ he thought.

"But," the reindeer continued, "it's not as terrible as _my_ story. Every winter in December, Doctor Kureha rented me out to all the towns for their Christmas pageants. And afterwards, when they chased me out of the school auditoriums for being a monster, she wouldn't let me run away until I'd gotten all the money. Now I hate Christmas _and_ my birthday!"

"Oh yeah?" Zoro cut in. "I thought it was bad enough losing Kuina. But the more I traveled in the world, the more I realized that two people died that day: Kuina...and myself." The swordsman crossed his arms and sat back, clearly satisfied.

(Somewhere, in another universe, legions of fangirls paused in their activities to say "Awwwwwwww...!")

They had all spoken. Everyone turned to Luffy to see what he had to say.

Luffy pulled his hat down low over his eyes. A frown creased his face. "Well," he said slowly, "after thinking about it a lot, my decision is...that all of your pasts just aren't tragic enough!" He slammed his hands down on the table. "Robin's tragic past kicks all of your pasts' butts! So, that's why she's the only one who gets to stay. All the rest of you have to shove off."

"WHAT!" Four fists and one foot connected with Luffy's face.

"Look here, Luffy!" Nami stood over him with arms akimbo. "If anyone's leaving this ship, it should be you! We haven't heard a word about _your_ tragic past yet!"

"Yeah." Sanji scowled at his captain. "What's so tragic about being brought up by kind villagers, having a loving older brother, and being given a gift by your childhood idol?"

"Nothing. I'm the captain, so I don't need to have a tragic past," Luffy said. "_My_ memories of childhood are filled with sunshine and good cheer." He looked smug.

A mutinous mutter rose up around the table. Luffy ignored it and said, "Since this is a pirate ship, you have to leave the pirate way. After lunch, you'll all walk the plank while sharks circle the seas beneath and wait to feast on your struggling bodies."

"Luffy," Nami said, exasperated. "We don't _have_ a plank."

"What?" Luffy opened his eyes wide, genuinely startled. "Why not?"

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Because we're not _that kind_ of pirates. Until now, anyway," he added under his breath.

Luffy frowned again. "Okay, fine," he said. "Our next crew member is going to be a plank-builder with a _really tragic past_, one that uses up at least half a day's worth of flashbacks. He's gonna build us a plank, and then you're all going to walk it. Also, we'll have to find some sharks. That okay with you, Robin?" He glanced at the archaelogist.

Robin looked up briefly. "Whatever you like, Mr. Captain." She took a sip of her coffee and returned to her book.


	3. The First Sue

"The Real Slim Mary" or, The First Sue

Once there was a girl.

And she was _beautiful_. And she was _kind_. And she had a _terrible burden_ on her _slim shoulders_. And she was forced to _act against her gentle nature_ for the sake of her loved ones, until Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates _saved her from herself_.

Everybody loved her. They vowed to help her, _no matter the cost to themselves_. The girl, in turn, brought _sunshine and joy_ as well as a _good dose of chaos_ to the carefree crew.

Luffy thought she was a _great playmate_ and a _perfect addition_ to his crew. But he also _admired her greatly_ for her _inborn leadership abilities_ and way of _inspiring fervent loyalty_ among all she met. From her, Luffy learned what it meant to be _bear responsibility for others_.

Nami secretly thought that the girl was _everything she wanted to be herself_. Next to the girl's, Nami's own relationships with people, especially with men, seemed _shallow and manipulative_. On the other hand, because the girl was _so good of heart_ and handled all of the _empathy-related issues_ on board, Nami was free to _berate, bully, and blackmail her crewmates at will_, because that is clearly all Nami is good for in this world.

Sanji _fawned over_ the girl to the _full extent_ of his womanizing powers. But sometimes, he also talked to her _like a real person_. Because of her, Sanji realized that women were not just _pretty faces and a pair of tits_. Women, especially her, were _real people with real feelings_ who deserved his _honest respect_. Also, she let him play _knight in shining armor_ and that gave him an _immense feeling of self-satisfaction_.

Zoro didn't mind the fact that the girl was _physically weak_, for every time he looked in her eyes he could see an _inner strength_ shining through. Zoro willingly placed his life _at her disposal_. He sensed that within her _frail, willowy frame_, there resided an _iron will_ which could pierce even the strongest armor. And, somewhere in the _caverns of his heart_, Zoro felt himself _succumbing to her strange power_.

Usopp liked her because she _respected_ him and _encouraged_ him to do his best. And while she probably didn't believe his stories, she _listened to them patiently_. And when his _attempts at bravery_ fell _short of perfect_, she was kind enough _not to laugh at or dismiss him_. But she did it all _subtly_ because she was _sensitive to his feelings_. And Usopp was grateful for that, because after all he was _still a man_.

Chopper thought she was the _greatest thing since sliced bread_, but actually that _wasn't saying much._

Yes, she was _wonderful_, and she was _kind_, and she was _courageous_, and she was _sympathetic_, and she was _noble_, and she was _sorrowful_, and she was _generous_ and she was _inspiring_, and when she left they all _cried_.

And her name...

was Vivi.

--------  
**notes:** I like Vivi, I do. But really, she possesses all of the classic Mary Sue qualities, only she's in the manga, so she's technically not a Sue. Which raises really interesting questions of why fans don't hate Sue-like characters if they're in the canon, but will accuse any OC of being a Sue just because she _is_ an OC. Robin's "existence as crime" kind of thing. Anyways, I just wanted to make the point that whatever Mary Sue people think up, Eiichiro Oda has already beaten them to it. Viva la Vivi! 


	4. Quick Fix

**notes:** Thanks for all the reviews! They really keep me going, and people's opinions on Vivi were especially interesting. I hope you will continue to indulge my efforts!

"Quick Fix"

The day was sunny and bright, but Luffy could tell that something was wrong. He was the Captain. He _knew_ these things, just like he always _knew_ when it was time for dinner. It wasn't just the smell of meat emanating from the kitchen, or the sound of Sanji getting out the silverware. No. It was something more. It was like...a fifth sense. Yeah. Luffy had a fifth sense about these things. After all, he reasoned, that was why he was the Captain.

And now that extra-special fifth sense was being kicked into high gear. Something - more than the bits of scrap metal hammered onto the mast, more than the patchwork look of the ship's sides, heck, even more than the slightly soggy feel of the men's room deck if he stepped on it wrong - told Luffy what he had long suspected. Maybe it was the leak. It had sprung up from one of the planks as he'd walked past, and the water had hit him in the eye. That was hard evidence, all right, confirming what Luffy had already detected with his fifth sense. A small, rare frown creased Luffy's usual cheerful features.

They were really going to have to do something about Merry. Usopp's quick fixes just weren't cutting it anymore.

Luffy nodded decisively. Then he wandered away to find some food.

In the galley, Sanji swore, treating the sink to the full range of his repetoire. _How_ had the pots gotten crusted over with black gunk? _Why_ was there a horrible smell of tangerines _and_ liver? _When_ had the cheese grater been employed to peel potatoes? And perhaps most importantly, why, two hours after lunch, was he now feeling slightly nauseated? That proved it. That was the last time Sanji let Long-Nose cover meals for him while he took watch duty.

"I have _got_ to find a sous-chef," Sanji muttered to himself around a cigarette. "Usopp's quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

As Sanji scrubbed away at the ruined pans, Nami and Chopper emerged onto the lower deck from the store room. Their eyes were bloodshot and slightly out of focus. They walked somewhat unsteadily. Spotting Zoro sitting against the prow steps, poring over a newspaper, the navigator and the doctor made exaggerated attempts to appear sober.

"Listen, Chopper," Nami said. She leaned down to whisper in the reindeer's ear, overbalanced, and hit her nose against the brim of his hat instead. "We have _got_ to find a bigger source of mind-altering chemical substances. Usopp's quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

"Eh? What? What are we talking about?" Chopper gawped up at Nami's face, mere inches from his own. He smiled and pranced ahead a couple of steps. "Ooooh, Nami! I think I see giraffes!"

Nami tiptoed after her partner in crime. Shhh! She didn't want Zoro to know she was there. "You know, Chopperoo, I'm not sure." Nami giggled. She was in her own special happy place. It had treasure, and beer, and a really...hot...stockbroker.

Zoro looked up briefly, snorted derisively at the sight of Nami and Chopper falling about the deck, and went back to his newspaper. "I have _got_ to find a real boyfriend," the swordsman muttered as he leafed through the Personals. He didn't notice the sniper's footsteps on the stairs behind him. "Usopp's quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

"ALL RIGHT! THAT'S **IT**!"

Zoro whirled around, lost his balance, and tumbled ungracefully but manfully onto the deck. Elsewhere, the others poked their heads out of doors or raised them from drugged stupors to see what the shouting was about.

Usopp was standing on the prow deck, eyes ablaze, hair frizzier than usual, his whole body trembling with righteous indignance. He was as angry as they'd ever seen him. Usopp paused a bit, daunted even in his fury to have the full attention turned upon him, but rallied again to shout, "How many times have I told you! Don't complain to me if things on board aren't as perfect or professional as you'd like! I'm doing the best I can, you know!" He glared at Luffy. "I am not a shipwright!"

He glared at Sanji. "I am not a chef!"

He glared at Chopper and Nami. "I am not a seasoned dealer of mind-altering chemical substances!"

He glared at Zoro. "As for you, I am _insulted_ that you think I'm some kind of cheap one-night stand! I'll have you know, when I was traveling around the world in a hot-air balloon, I met the King of the Purple-Bearded Giants, and he was so impressed with my wit and prowess in both battle and bedroom that he begged me to stay with him as his lover slash mentor! I am not floozy you can pick up and drop at will, Roronoa Zoro! I am the Great Captain Usopp, and I am the best damn boyfriend you're ever likely to get!"

Completely run out of breath, Usopp continued to hold his ground at the top of the stairs, chest heaving, staring balefully at his companions. For their part, they remained silent as their imaginations tried and failed to picture Usopp as a lover slash mentor to a King of any color-bearded giants. On the other hand, the effort sobered Nami and Chopper up immediately.

The silence stretched and grew, until finally a piece of the mast fell off and knocked Zoro out cold.

Sanji took a drag on his cigarette. "Man, we have really got to do something about this ship," he said. "No offense, Usopp, but your quick fixes just aren't cutting it anymore."

It all ended, predictably enough, in tears.

---------  
**notes:** Uh, yeah, I like how it started out as a joke about all the "Usopp's quick fixes..." lines in fanfics, and became an account of Zoro and Usopp's tabloid love affair. Still, I enjoy the idea of Zoro perusing the Man Seeking Man ads in search of that Special Someone. "Multiple weapons preferred; must like scars."


	5. The King is Dead All Hail the King

**notes:** Bit of trivia - in Japan, a dress is called a "one piece." _I'm just sayin'._

"The King Is Dead; All Hail the King"

After many adventures and close brushes with death, Luffy and his companions finally found the One Piece. It was in a dank, dark cave on a windswept island. Human skeletons, in various stages of decay, littered the cave entrance. Other people might have been daunted, maybe even scared off, but Luffy had dreamed of this day for the better half of his life and was not to be deterred.

His perseverence was rewarded. At long last, the One Piece was there in front of him, glowing in all its fabled glory.

It was big. It was shiny. It was glittery. It had a built-in support bra.

"I like the sequins," Nami said critically, "but Luffy, you're really more of a size 8."

Luffy, for his part, was standing speechless with his superstretchy rubber jaw crashed down on the sandy floor. He appeared to be in shock.

It was out of this concern that Usopp waved a hand in front of his captain's glazed eyes. "Luffy?" he said. "Uh, I understand this must be an emotional moment for you, but...aren't you going to say something?"

"Agh." After a few failed attempts, Luffy managed to snap his jaw back in place. "The One Piece," he managed to squawk, "It's a _dress_?"

"I can't believe it either," said Zoro, shaking his head. "I thought for sure it was gonna be Gold Roger's fake eyelashes."

"_How is that better!_"

Nami cuffed the rubber boy lightly on the head. "Oh, Luffy, don't tell us you didn't _know_. Gold Roger had hundreds of dresses. That's why he plundered so much; the money to pay the dressmakers' bills had to come from _somewhere_." She clasped her hands together. "He must have really loved this one, though, if he made it the One Piece. Do you think it was the one he was wearing when he declared himself King?"

"I thought it'd be treasure!" Luffy wailed. "Or at least a really big Doubleloon! Or a sword, or a will, or maybe a never-ending pile of meat! Not a, a," he sank to his knees. "A dress!"

"Mind you, they never called him the Pirate _Queen_," Sanji mused. "Not more than once, anyway."

"You're not helping!"

"I think it's kind of nice," Chopper said mildly, reaching out a hoof to touch the sequined silk skirt. "Ooh, look, you can see where the dressmaker widened out the shoulders so it'd fit a man! That's really neat!"

"First class work," agreed Sanji. He stubbed out his cigarette on a nearby rock. "Not that Roger would've settled for anything less."

Luffy twisted his neck around to glare at his friends suspiciously. "Wait a minute," he began. "How do you guys all know?" An even more terrible thought hit him before they could answer. "Did everybody know? Shanks and Don Krieg and everybody?"

Nami sighed and passed a hand over her temples. Clearly, it was time to have The Talk with her clueless captain.

"Listen, Luffy," she said. "Remember how, when you told other pirates that you were going to become the Pirate King, they all kind of laughed and didn't believe you?"

"Yeah? So?"

"There was a reason for that."

"Why?" Luffy immediately turned defensive. "They thought I wouldn't look good in a dress or something? It just so happens that red is my color!"

"No, stupid!" Nami smacked him again. "Because they knew it wouldn't fit you! It'd slide right off! Gold Roger was a big man, and no offense, Luffy, but you're not exactly what they call 'broad-chested.'"

"It takes a real man to wear a woman's dress," Zoro agreed, crossing his arms. _Maybe Luffy's not broad-chested_, he thought smugly, _but I sure as hell am. And I don't look bad in red, either._ A vision of himself, three swords buckled at his silky, softly swishing red side, emerging to address an adoring pirate empire, flickered through the swordsman's brain. For the first time since he'd met Luffy, Zoro was close to mutiny.

"Actually, it's technically a man's dress." Usopp's voice jolted Zoro out of his pleasant yet treachous fantasies. "The dress was obviously made specially for Gold Roger, and Roger always identified as a man. He was the most fearsome human on the high seas, for crying out loud! He was just a big scary man who enjoyed haute couture and a bit of musical theatre. Why, when I was the most successful fashion designer in West Blue..." The rest of Usopp's call for a more critical examination of gender politics went largely ignored.

"But...a dress..." Luffy said weakly, not entirely convinced. Were the gods making fun of him? Was this really what he'd spent a lifetime dreaming about, fighting for, eating restaurants out of business for, almost dying for? Was a red silk dress to be his only inheritance from the Pirate King?

As if guessing his thoughts, Robin spoke for the first time since entering the cave. "Mr. Captain," she said quietly. "You have a choice to make. Either you walk away from this place and leave the One Piece for another to claim, or you take up the mantle of the Pirate King and all the resonsibility it entails. But," she warned, "if you turn from this prize, you must never breathe a word of your coming here to another soul. Other pirates have also been searching for the One Piece, and with full knowledge of what it is. You must not make them feel it was given to them like some poor hand-me-down. Remember the Pirate Code."

The Pirate Code. Yes, of course; how could he have forgotten?

Luffy scrambled to his feet again, his face set. Robin was right. All of his friends were right. Take it or leave it, this was the One Piece that Gold Roger had left. And if Luffy was really worthy of being the next Pirate King, he would take it.

With a firm tug, all hesitation gone, Luffy snatched the dress from its peg on the wall. He raised his arms and slid the smooth, fiery gown over his own clothes. As Nami predicted, the One Piece was too big. It hung off his shoulders like a curtain and puddled shapelessly around his feet. That didn't matter. Luffy would grow, and then he'd have other dresses of his own made, to fit just him.

Swirling the skirt around him, Luffy turned and started back towards the mouth of the cave. His crew followed him, silent and a little awed. A new era was beginning. Sure enough, as Monkey D. Luffy, the Pirate King, strode out of the cave and to the sea to greet his kingdom, the sun was just beginning to rise.

-------

**notes:** Alternate ending!  
_His perseverence was rewarded. At long last, the One Piece was there in front of him, glowing in all its fabled glory._

_It was big. It was shiny. It was glittery. It had a built-in support bra. _

_"I like the sequins," Luffy said approvingly, "but I'm really more of a size 8."_

It was a debate, but I decided to make Luffy the straight man (haha, get it?) because I wanted to get in Sanji's line about the Pirate Queen. This isn't just a cheap shot at Gold Roger's treasure, I swear! Every time I talk about shopping with Japanese friends, we're both horribly confused. They don't know what I mean by 'dress' and I've got no idea what this 'one piece' they're referring to is. I am secretly convinced that the One Piece really is a dress and it will be the best gag ever at the series' conclusion. Or maybe I'm just touched in the head.


	6. Sunny Days Aboard the Going Merry

**notes:** For maximum effect, read these to yourself in a _very sarcastic_ voice. You could read them out loud in a very sarcastic voice too, but people tend to worry when they catch other people talking aloud to themselves sarcastically. But maybe that sort of thing doesn't bother you.

"Sunny Days Aboard the Going Merry"

It was a sunny day on the Grand Line. It was also a sunny day aboard the _Going Merry_.

-----

It was a sunny day aboard the _Going Merry_. Suddenly, Luffy fell overboard, setting off a series of hilarious screwball hijinks.

-----

It was a peaceful, breezy day aboard the _Going Merry_. Nami was in her orange grove, thinking about what a nice, peaceful, breezy day it was. Aboard the _Going Merry_, that is. Suddenly, she heard her crewmates below her in the galley, engaging in what sounded to the innocent ear like sexual inneundo. A hilarious comedy of errors ensued.

-----

It was a peaceful, sunny, normal day aboard the _Going Merry_. Everybody was doing their own thing. Luffy was eating. Zoro was sleeping. Nami was mapping. Sanji was cooking. Robin was reading. Chopper was doctoring. Usopp was inventing. In Arabasta, Vivi was princessing. Cobra was kinging. Pelu was flying. Chaka was guardianing. Coza was rebelling. Igaram was sagely protecting. Elsewhere on the Grand Line, Shanks was bad-assing. Ben was long-sufferinging. Ace was aceing. Smoker was smoking. Tashigi was tripping (over things). Hina was authoritating. In East Blue, Nojiko was fussing. Genzo was grizzling. Kaya was recuperating. Zeff was stumping. Makino was...need I go on?

-----

It was just a normal day aboard the _Going Merry_. Suddenly, a beautiful girl fell from the sky onto the deck. Everyone crowded around her and exclaimed over her beauty. The concept of television was introduced into the OnePieceverse, a particular plot device which has never made much sense to this narrator.

-----

It was just a normal day at Going Merry High School. Zoro couldn't wait to learn about the Pythagorean Theorum! Oh my god who was he going to ask to the prom?

-----

It was another beautiful, summer-like day aboard the _Going Merry_. Suddenly, a beautiful, green-haired, golden-eyed, dimple-cheeked, snub-nosed, rosy-lipped girl with an anatomically implausible figure fell from the sky. Unfortunately, the spot of sky from which she fell was a good mile away from the ship. The girl landed in the ocean and drowned. Everyone watched for a while before losing interest and going back to doing their own thing. Luffy ate. Zoro slept. Nami mapped. Sanji...

-----

It was another beautiful, summer-like day aboard the _Going Merry_. Suddenly, Luffy and his crew saw three figures swimming desperately along the side of the ship! They looked like they needed rescue! Oh my goodness! It was Lucy Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, and their cousin Eustace! The three children were extremely disppointed to find that the ship full of pirates was not the _Dawn Treader_. A hilarious comedy of errors ensued as Christian allegory met slapstick.

-----

It was yet another sunny day aboard the _Going Merry_. Suddenly, a storm blew up and threw Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji overboard. They drowned. Back on deck, Nami, Usopp, Chopper, and Robin shed a few tears. Then they groused about how they never got to die tragic deaths and be mourned via angsty introspective vignettes. Seriously. What was up with that?

-----

Short three crew members and a sunny sky, the remaining Straw Hat Pirates set course for the nearest port. They settled down and penned a collective memoir: "Why Don't _I_ Ever Get To Die?"

It was a best-seller and topped the literary charts. Then one day Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji showed up again, not dead after all and very put out that they were not being appropriately mourned via angsty introspective vignettes. Nami, Usopp, Chopper, and Robin, who were in the middle of negotiating a movie deal, found that instead of a magical night at the Oscars, they had some major 'splaining to do.

-----  
**notes:** According to Wikipedia (which I sometimes trust and sometimes do not), _The Chronicles of Narnia_ are not allegorical tales as commonly assumed, since they contain literal representations of Christian mythology and not figurative ones. While I basically agree with this statement, I chose to go with "Christian allegory." "Aslan as the literal, not figurative, representation of Christ met slapstick" didn't pack quite the same punch.

Chopper _never_ gets to die a tragic death. He's always the one going crazy or having nightmares or tugging at the readers' heartstrings like a poor abandoned puppy after someone else's death. Whatever. He doesn't need your pity! He can get himself killed as well as any man!


	7. Shaving Incidents

**notes:** This isn't really a parody. It's just silly. Also, I forgot to say this before, but I quite agree with **Charlett**: if the One Piece turns out to be something lame like 'friendship' (or worse, a mirror), strongly worded letters will be written. I am far too old and jaded for morals.

**"Shaving Incident"**

Nami banged on the bathroom door.

"Come out _this instant_!" she called in her most threatening voice. "I need to shave my legs!"

The person in the bathroom ignored her and carried on singing. Nami grit her teeth in frustration. It wasn't even as though it was a _good_ song, she thought resentfully. Jailhouses. Rocks. Getting kicked. What the hell kind of song was that? Nami flounced her back against the wall and sighed. Loudly. Pointedly. The singing continued.

Zoro ambled in from the deck and scratched his head at the sight of Nami on the _outside_ of the bathroom door. "There's a line?" he asked irritatedly. "But I need to shave my legs."

Nami jerked a crabby thumb over her shoulder. "Not before me, you don't," she growled.

Zoro glared, but took a seat beside her without a word. It was too early in the morning to argue. He frowned. "Why would anyone wear blue shoes?" he demanded. "And why would anyone drink liquor from an old fruitjar? That's disgusting."

"Right, because you're really discriminating about your liquor," Nami shot back. She bent down to scratch at the stubble on her calf, just as Zoro was reaching down to do the same. They glared daggers at each other.

"Shit, is there a line?"

Temporarily distracted, the navigator and the swordsman looked up to see Sanji, smoking his first cigarette of the day and looking none too pleased. "I need to shave." He pulled importantly on the tiny patch of golden fuzz on his chin.

Zoro said, "Take a number, lousy-ass cook. I need to shave my legs first."

"Not before I shave mine," Nami said flatly.

Sanji forgot about his fuzz and immediately turned weak-kneed and servile. "But Nami, my dewdrop of perfection," he cooed, "surely you know that you're beautiful even when your legs are as bristly as a pig's back-"

"_Excuse me_?"

As Zoro guffawed in the background, Nami raised her razor as if to personally deliver Sanji into a world of pain. Luckily for the cook, at that moment the bathroom loiterer squawked out a high note, causing all three of them to wince.

Sanji went up to the door and kicked at it a few times. "Hurry it up, jerk!" he yelled. "There are ladies waiting out here with legs to shave!"

"Lad_ies_?" said Zoro pointedly.

"Ladies," Sanji repeated firmly. "One of whom bears a strong resemblance to a constipated rhinocerous -"

"WHAT."

The argument between cook and first mate was drowned out by a wobbly but enthusiastic voice begging them not to be cruel to a heart that was true.

"Aw man, is there a line?"

The three would-be shavers turned around, only to be greeted with a rather alarming sight. Usopp had joined them. The long-nosed boy was scratching absently at his jaw. Which was covered with thick bristle. They looked down. Short curls were sprouting from Usopp's chest. Even further down, his legs were covered with black stubble.

"I need to shave," Usopp explained.

Nami looked at Usopp's skinny but decidedly hairy chest. Her gaze traveled to Zoro, then to Sanji. Both of their muscled, toned pectorals were naked as a baby's bottom. The ginger-haired navigator smirked.

"What?" asked Zoro suspiciously.

"Nothing," Nami said innocently. Whistling, she went back to pounding on the bathroom door.

Reflexively, and trying to look as though they weren't, Zoro and Sanji crossed their arms over their chests. They looked accusingly at Usopp.

The sniper wasn't paying attention. He was more focused on the sight of Chopper dashing in from the deck. "Sorry," said Usopp, holding up a hand. "There's a line. I need to shave."

"I've got things to shave, too!" Sanji snapped. "Er, I mean, so do I. Need to shave."

"I need to shave more than you need to shave!" interjected Zoro. He rubbed a hand over his own jaw, but stopped when it failed to produce the proper rasping sound. "Anybody can shave his _face_," he muttered. "It takes a real man to shave his legs."

Nami glared at all of them over her shoulder. "No one's shaving before me," she stated. "I've been listening to this idiot sing for two hours now!"

"Well, I _don't_ need to shave!" Chopper broke in. He pulled down on his hat and did an anxious little dance. "I just really, really need to pee. Luffy, pleeeaaaase hurry up!" he called desperately. "I can't hold it much longer!"

"I told you you should have gone before we left," Usopp said automatically.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Zoro frowned. His brows were furrowed in the Life Lesson-Dispensing Authority Figure expression that Chopper had come to respect and somewhat dread. He _remembered_ what'd happened the last time Zoro had decided to teach him how to eat like a man.

"Just go in the ocean," the swordsman said now.

Chopper blanched. "In the _ocean_?" he squeaked. The little reindeer really, really admired Zoro for being so cool and tough, but he wondered if this wasn't a little _too_ tough. Even machismo had its limits.

From his disgusted expression, it appeared that Sanji agreed with him. "Can't you even pretend to be civilized, Marimo?" the cook muttered around his cigarette.

Zoro ignored him. "It all ends up there anyway," he said. He jerked his head towards the bathroom door. "Besides," he continued, "Luffy's not coming out anytime soon. Not if he's singing about shaking up volcanos."

"But what if somebody sees me?" Chopper wailed.

"We haven't passed a ship for days," Zoro argued. "Who's going to see you?"

"Actually," Nami and Usopp started at the same time. They glanced at each other, then Nami gracefully acquiesced. Usopp continued, "Wouldn't that mean it's _more_ likely that someone will see him? When have we ever gone more than a few days without passing a ship?"

"No." Zoro's eyebrows beetled together even further. "No, it would not."

"Oh," said Usopp weakly. "Okay."

Nami rolled her eyes.

Chopper wavered. Peeing in the ocean was really, really gross. But he really, really needed to go. And Zoro was counting on him to do the manly thing. He really, really didn't want to let Zoro down. Chopper turned and ran out of the hold as fast as his short reindeer feet would carry him.

"I don't wanna be a tiger," came Luffy's nasal voice from the bathroom. "'Cause tigers play too rough."

"I swear to God." Sanji stubbed his cigarette out on the cannon. "If I didn't like this song so much, I would so kick that idiot's ass."

Out on deck, Chopper was standing on the rail, relieving himself with considerable relief. Too late, he raised his head to see the Marine ship pulling up alongside.

Smoker was standing at the side of his ship, frozen in the act of raising an arm to call for his men. The Marine Colonel stood, transfixed, at the sight of the reindeer - at least, he _thought_ it was a reindeer, but what was it doing wearing pants? - standing upright, in a hat, and emitting a graceful arc of yellow liquid into the briny depths below.

"Tashigi," Smoker finally managed.

The bespectacled young woman was at his side instantly. "Yes, sir?" She saluted.

Smoker did not take his eyes off the reindeer who, in turn, was staring back at him in helpless terror. "Get me a bottle of whiskey."

"Sir?" There was the faintest hint of disapproval in Tashigi's voice. "Shouldn't we be arresting the Straw Hats?"

"Dammit, Tashigi, we've got our whole lives to arrest the Straw Hats!" Smoker roared. "I need that whiskey _now_!"

"Sir!" Tashigi ripped off another salute and ran below deck to fetch the Colonel his drink. The Straw Hats' ship pulled past Smoker's own and sailed off into the distance. If Smoker twitched his gaze to follow it, he could just make out the reindeer-thing finishing his business and toppling backwards onto the deck in a dead faint.

(In later years, Smoker became known as 'Drinker' and would relate to anyone within earshot intoxicated stories of hatted, panted reindeers piddling into the sea. His audience always shook their heads and whispered sympathetically about the horrors of the Grand Line.)

Back in the _Going Merry_'s storage deck, the navigator, the first mate, the sniper, and the cook had given up all hope of shaving ever again. Nami, Usopp, and Zoro were sitting against the wall, comparing leg hair. Sanji was sitting on the cannon, fingering his chin fuzz to reassure himself it was still there.

In the bathroom, Luffy slapped some more of Sanji's hair gel onto his hair and molded the black locks into a slick pompadour. He stepped back and nodded in satisfaction at his reflection in the mirror. Waggling his eyebrows, he curved his upper lip in a sneer that, in another time and place, would have had women swooning at his feet and men writhing in jealousy.

"Thank you," Luffy murmured, and sneered again. "Thank you ver' much." He winked and swiveled his hips a bit.

Oh yeah. It was good to be King.

-----  
**notes:** Zoro has smooth legs, while Oda makes it a point to draw Sanji with stubbly ones. Just thought that was interesting. Also, there is no way Usopp can have that much hair on his head without being quite hairy elsewhere as well. My guess is, he spends _hours_ in the bathroom with his good friend Mr. Razor.

Bonus points if you can guess the songs :)


	8. Whirlpools, Mauloseums, and a Cavern

**notes:** I couldn't _not_ write this. Besides, just as all the Zoro-oriented angst going on in "Snow Queen" has to be balanced, so do I need to find an outlet for all the Sanji-drama.

"Whirlpools, Mauloseums, and a Natural Limestone Cavern" (part 1)

Sanji woke in the middle of the night to the sound of sobbing. Normally he wouldn't have cared - if it wasn't Usopp, it was Zoro whimpering about "Kuina." What the hell was a Kuina? Sanji got the vague idea it was some type of fruit but never quite got around to asking.

Anyway.

Tonight, however, was different. The _sobbing_ was different. It was...female. It was woeful. It was filled with the choked, heart-wrenching cries of a young lady trying to put a brave face on anguish.

Sanji didn't even have to think. His body out of the hammock and across the floor within seconds, moving on automatic seek-and-comfort mode.

"Nami my dove," he called softly, gently rapping on the usually forbidden door dividing the men's and women's quarters. "Is everything all right?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Sanji cursed inwardly. Was everything all _right_? What kind of idiot question was that? People who were all right didn't cry loudly at 3 in the morning. Not that, he amended hastily, Nami _wasn't_ all right. No, she was surely perfection itself, and if she wanted to sob in the adjoining room instead of up in the crow's nest, then that was just peachy by Sanji. It was an _honor_ to be shaken out of sleep by such melodious wailing. But if there was anything, anything at all that he could do to make her weeping more comfortable - more tissues, a sad song, some cheap mascara - then Sanji felt he needed to know.

"S-s-Sanji?" Nami's sweet, sweet voice came quavering back to him through the door. "I...is that you? Do you mind...coming in for a bit?"

"Darling Nami, I thought you'd never ask!" Sanji flung the door open and bounded through. Finally! After years of perfecting his own, vastly misunderstood method of seduction, he was finally being invited into a girl's room! Just in time, Sanji remembered to check his enthusiasm and put on the appropriate expression of somber concern instead. "What can I do for- oh dear god, what happened?" Sanji skidded to a halt, frozen with shock.

Nami looked a wreck. She was a complete opposite of the Nami that Sanji knew, loved, and had been beaten up by so well. Her orange hair was tangled, and the tears streaming down her pretty face had dripped onto her nightshirt in ragged, salty trails. Sanji noted absently that Nami was one step ahead of him on the mascara front. Her eyes were practically caked with the stuff, as if she'd wanted to get the most streakage possible in one sitting. A horrible, alarmed thought welled up in Sanji's brain before he could suppress it. Could it be? Had this been a _pre-meditated crying session?_

"Oh, Sanji!" Nami held her arms out to him. His body back again on autopilot, Sanji careened into her embrace, and all but swooned as Nami buried her wet little face in his chest. Any and all suspicious promptly went flying out the window. He didn't even care that the mascara was like a death-knell to his silk pajamas.

"What is it, Nami?" Sanji asked, his voice deep and gentle. "You know you can tell me anything."

Nami quivered against him. "I know," she gulped. "It may _look_ like I'm bantering with Usopp or discussing our itinerary with Zoro while barely giving you the time of day, but Sanji, you and your baked desserts are the only ones who truly understand me! Don't leave me! You have to help me. You have to save me...from myself!"

"I will, Nami my lost dove, I will!" Sanji promised, even as his heart gave a jealous little twinge at having to compete against his own baked goods. It didn't seem fair, somehow. "What's troubling you? Did Marimo insult your utter perfection? Did Luffy eat your portion of dinner? Did Chopper not perform a thorough medical exam on your hangnail like I told him to? Not to worry, my cherub. I will kick _all_ their asses."

Nami sobbed again, bringing Sanji back to reality. "No," she wept, "It's not that. It's just...tonight...is the anniversary of the first night I spent alone after Bellemere died. Bellemere..!" Nami's voice rose to an anguished howl. Nervously, Sanji glanced over at Robin's form on the other side of the room, but the older woman never even stirred. His attention snapped back to Nami as the navigator wailed, "Why did you leave me alone! Why did you have to die? You left me alone...all, all alone..." She collapsed back into a shattered pile of sobs.

Sanji patted her back gingerly. "Er, Nami, my dewdrop of perfection," he said hesitantly. "Forgive me if I'm wrong, but...I thought you'd made peace with your mother's death? Changing your tattoo...saying you'd become a pirate anyway if she were still alive...Genzo's crap pinwheel...?"

"I have _not_ made peace!" Nami's screech was muffled somewhat by Sanji's nightshirt. "The tattoo means nothing! The pinwheel means nothing! Do you understand? The important thing is" her hands gripped Sanji's shoulders with alarming strength, "that Bellemere is dead and I once was very upset about it and I will continue to mark the anniversary of her passing with lamentation and grief! It's my party and I'll cry if I damn well want to!"

"Of course you will," Sanji said soothingly. "You have every right to behave as though you never found closure at Arlong Park. Finding meaning in death is overrated anyway."

"Oh, Sanji." Nami's slim, frail body went limp in his arms, and he gathered her even closer. How he'd dreamed of this moment! How he'd longed for this early morning! Admittedly, smudged mascara had not played a major part in Sanji's fantasies, but he wasn't going to be bothered by small details. He just wanted to be with Nami forever and always, just like this. "I'm so tired," Nami was saying. Sanji nodded understandingly. "It's black, Sanji. Everything's black. It's like...it's like...I'm being tossed round and round in a whirlpool of despair."

"...A whirlpool of despair..." Sanji murmured. He felt the tears springing to his own eyes as he imagined the maelstrom that must have been raging within Nami. How could he ever have begrudged his desserts the attention they deserved! If sweet confections could soothe even a fraction of the chaos in Nami's soul, then he'd feed her sweets morning, noon, and night! Sanji started to weep, his tears mingling with Nami's own. It was only some minutes later that he realized she had fallen asleep. Gently, the golden-haired cook laid Nami back down on the bed and covered her snugly with the blanket. He slipped off the mattress and went back to the door. Before going through the threshold, Sanji turned around for one last look at the slumbering navigator.

"Sleep peacefully, sweet Nami," he whispered. "I, Sanji, vow to lift you out of the whirlpool of despair and back onto the dry land of happiness." He closed the door and went back to bed.

In her sleep, Nami smiled. For the first time since Bellemere had died and left her alone (all alone...), Nami slept peacefully and dreamt well.

It was a dream about cake.

-----  
**notes:** Will the morning bring peace or pain to our troubled navigator? What happens when Zoro tells Sanji an unpleasant truth? What horrible secret does Usopp unveil? Find out, not necessarily next time, in "Whirlpools, Mauloseums, and a Natural Limestone Cavern" (part 2)!


	9. To Walk the Plank: part 2

"To Walk the Plank: part 2"

The silence in the galley was broken only by the sound of Luffy's occasional sobbing.

The girl known as Red(alinethana del Fynallalinga) sat at the kitchen table sipping tea, her posture somewhat undecided between hardened mercenary and blushing virgin maiden. Clustered around her, the members of the Straw Hat Pirates fiddled with their own mugs. Except for Zoro, who remained standing with his back against the wall, casting anxious looks at his distraught captain every once in a while.

"So...Red." Nami leaned forward. "You say you were sold into a mercenary gang at the age of six."

"Yes, because my parents were viciously murdered by the Satanic Cult Pirates." Red dabbed at her eyes with fingers that were both delicate and strong, capable of twisting a man's neck with the lightest touch. Her eyes were amazing; no one had ever seen their like before, not even Robin, who found herself inexplicably drawn to this strange girl. One of Red's eyes was gold, the other, silver. When questioned, she explained simply that one eye saw old friends of the past, while the other looked forward to new ones of the future. But which eye was which, she refused to say.

Red had not gotten her name from the color of her eyes, or even from the androgynous shortening of her much longer, emphatically feminine given name. No; the nickname came from the scarlet hue of her fingernails. It was a good color for her, and complemented the delicacy of her ivory skin. Some rumors had it that Red dipped her fingers in the blood of her enemies to achieve that color. Others maintained that she was forced to apply a fresh coat of varnish every five days, to prevent chipping.

"And is it really true," Chopper chimed in, "that the mercenaries taught you how to use every weapon in the world?"

Red nodded gravely. "Yes, it is. The mercenaries hired themselves out to bounty hunters, so we had to be prepared for every possibility when facing pirates. Some pirate crews use only axes, or shuriken, and so forth. There was one crew who fought exclusively with hatpins." She shuddered involuntarily at the memory. The Straw Hats could tell that it was one which still haunted her dreams.

"So you became a master at weapons..." Usopp prompted, not unjealously.

"Yes. I became especially adept at the ten-sword style, which is practiced by no one else in the world."

"Why not?" Nami asked.

Red was silent for a long time before answering. "When I was thirteen, the Satanic Cult Pirates appeared again, slaughtering my master and the rest of the mercenary crew," she said reluctantly.

"But I thought by the time you were eleven you had surpassed your master in skill and strength," said Nami, ever the cruel interrogator.

"I had!" Red said a little huffily. "But I was so _distraught_ at the sight of my parents' murderers again that I was unable to save anyone. I only barely escaped with my own life," she added pointedly. Sanji got the hint and immediately started working on a comforting, sympathetic after-tea snack.

Chopper said, trying to smooth the situation over, "So then you began traveling the world..."

"Yes. During my travels, two years ago, I met a man." Red paused. "Roronoa Zoro." She paused again. "The man who even now stands with his back against the wall, casting anxious looks at his distraught captain."

Despite themselves, Nami, Usopp, Chopper, Sanji, and yes, even Robin turned their heads to look. Just as Red had said, Zoro was there, with his back against the wall. He was anxious. Luffy was distraught. _It was all true_.

"What happened when you met Zoro?" Chopper asked breathlessly, even though Red had told them not half an hour before.

"Traitor," Zoro muttered.

Red graciously ignored this remark and continued with her story. "We fought," she said simply. "I won. I have come here today to honor the rematch which Roronoa Zoro requested upon his defeat."

In the corner, Luffy's sobs grew louder. Five pairs of eyes, meanwhile, turned to Zoro accusingly. He did his best to avoid them.

"Didn't you lose three years ago to that green-haired girl who was here yesterday, too?" Nami asked the swordsman.

"I-"

"How 'bout that girl with the braces who was here last week? Didn't you tell us not to fight her because she was famous among bounty hunters for being the fiercest warrior in all four Blues, and you should know because you lost to her once?" added Usopp.

"But -"

"And the lovely angel who graced us with her divine presence the week before that. Didn't you say that her bounty wouldn't fit on a single Wanted poster and was rendered only as 'n squared where n equals infinity' and that not even Dracul Mihawk had been able to defeat her?" Sanji looked up briefly from setting a delicacy in front of Red.

"So?" Zoro sputtered. "That doesn't prove anything!"

"Zooooo-oooroooooooo...!" When Luffy finally spoke, his voice bordered on downright anguish. "You said you never lost!"

"No, I didn't," Zoro corrected. "I said I _wouldn't lose again_ after the fight with Mihawk. Anything that happened before that doesn't count!"

"That's not much better!" Luffy wailed, and started flailing about on the kitchen floor.

"For once, I agree with Luffy." Nami crossed her arms over her chest. "The fact remains that you, Roronoa Zoro, are not the terrible, superhuman Demon Pirate Hunter you were advertised to be. We've met _dozens_ of girls on the Grand Line now, and you've been beaten by every single one! What gives?"

Zoro tried, and failed, to stare down his hostile crewmates. "All right!" he burst out finally. "I spread those rumors! I paid Yosaku and Johnny to do the grunt work while I came in at the last minute and claimed the glory! Every townsman and pirate in East Blue got 100 Beri each time they said the words 'Demon Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro' aloud! 200 if they said it when I wasn't around! I am a big, fat, fradulent first mate!"

"I don't _want_ a fradulent first mate!" Luffy sobbed. "Especially not one who has trouble maintaining a healthy lifestyle!"

"Exactly." As Nami spoke, everyone followed her example and folded his or her arms or hooves. "You must admit, Zoro, that we can't really afford to keep someone like you around. Being a lousy swordsman posing as the next Dracul Mihawk is one thing; being visited by a constant stream of past victors is _quite_ another. Sorry, Zoro, but you leave us no choice." The navigator glanced around the room. "All in favor of making fradulent First Mate Roronoa Zoro walk the plank, say 'aye.'"

A chorus of "Aye!"s, one hiccuped and coming from the direction of the floor, echoed around the small galley.

"You _can't_ make me walk the plank," Zoro said exasperatedly. "We still don't have a plank."

A second chorus, this time of disappointed "Oohh...he's right"s sounded.

"I want a plank builder!" Luffy whimpered. "I want a plank!"

A moment of uncertainty lingered in the air. Red, who had not spoken during the entire exchange, now spoke. "Perhaps," she suggested tactfully, fully aware of the delicate situation in which she found herself embroiled, "Zoro could wait in the bathroom until a plank builder is found?"

There was yet a third chorus of "Good idea!"s. Fraudulent First Mate Roronoa Zoro was hauled off, protesting, to the bathroom by Sanji and Usopp.

Red coughed. Everyone who was left in the room turned to look at her. Even Luffy raised his tear-streaked face up off the floorboards to peer blearily at the strange-eyed beauty.

"I heard," she said tentatively, "that you were looking for a musician a while back. Before they were cruelly slaughtered by the Satanic Cult Pirates, the mercenaries taught me to play the ukelele. If you're still looking, and if it'd be all right..." She trailed off hopefully.

Nami gave the girl her warmest smile. "Oh, sweetheart," the orange-haired navigator began, "Of _course_ it's not all right!"

Red blinked at her. "Er...what?" She smiled uncertainly. "I think I misheard you. It's...not all right?"

"Nope!" Nami replied cheerfully. "Just because we're bitterly disappointed in Zoro doesn't mean we want _you_, you know. There is simply no way you're joining this crew." The others nodded their agreement, each privately glad Sanji wasn't here to protest.

"Well, how do you plan to stop me?" Red asked challengingly. "I am the greatest weaponsmaster of our age! I use ten swords! My bounty is n cubed where n is equivalent to infinity. You couldn't possibly hope to win in a fight against me." She glared at the crew.

"I know _that_," Nami said, unperturbed. "That's why I put arsenic in your tea." She flashed another radiant smile at Red. "5,000 beri for the antido...oh, too late."

As Red(alinethana del Fynallalinga)'s lifeless body crashed down onto the table, Robin said approvingly, "You're a bad girl, Miss Navigator." It was her only line.

-----  
**notes:** So...I would dearly love to see the Satanic Cult Pirates appear in the canon. They would have the best Jolly Roger ever! It is really amazing the number of OCs whom Zoro has fought in the past. It seems he has gone against half the female population of East Blue...and lost. While I don't want to poo-pooh the writing of strong, physically capable female characters, having any OC be _better_ than a Straw Hat in their respective skills rather undermines one of the basic premises of the series.

Besides, as Nami, Usopp, and Chopper demonstrate, a person doesn't have to be physically strong to be a vital part of the OP-verse. Why has, for example, no one created a female OC who exels in math and science? Or who is an aspiring geologist? Environmental conservationalist? Future diplomat? Plank builder extraordinaire?

Anyway, next time: most likely the conclusion of emo!Nami and the whirlpool of despair. Yaaa...aay.


	10. Whirlppols, Mauloseums, and a Cavern 2

"Whirlpools, Mauloseums, and a Natural Limestone Cavern" (part 2)

Morning found Nami shivering at the prow of the ship, staring out into nothing. It wasn't hard to do. The ocean that day was wholly covered over in thick gray fog. It was like sailing through the folds of an endless dirty sweater.

The endless dirty sweater that was the fog...like the fog filling Nami's soul...obscuring everything bright and good...weighing her down...did that mean her soul was an endless dirty sweater?

Troubled anew by this thought, Nami bit her lower lip and wracked her brains for a better metaphor.

As if sensing her thoughts, Sanji sidled up behind her with a freshly baked confection, as he had been doing for every fifteen minutes since dawn. The golden-haired chef bowed low and said in his most sensitive voice, "How tortured are your memories of Bellemere today, Nami my sweet?"

Nami turned to him, her eyes full of anguish. She'd scrubbed off the bulk of the mascara, leaving only two grayish smudges under each eye, poignant testimony to her suffering. Sanji chose to interpret the distress as owing to a headful of painful memories, rather than to his quarter-hourly forced feedings. "Oh, Sanji," Nami began, in a voice which an untrained ear might have called _protesting_. Sanji, however, knew better. "It's been so horrible," Nami continued, reaching for the tiramisu. "Bellemere was my only source of happiness, you know. All this..._navigation_...and _map-drawing_...I just feel like I'm going through the motions. And then there's this fog!" She stared wildly out at the damp wall in front of them. "It's like - it's like -"

"The folds of an endless dirty sweater?" Sanji supplied helpfully.

"No!" Nami glared at him from around a bite of tiramisu. "_Not_ an endless dirty sweater. Something that conveys the _same feeling_, but not actually a sweater, persay. And definitely not dirty."

Sanji held up his hands in an effort to placate. "Of course not," he said hastily. "How could I have been so stupid? The fog, it's like the _opposite_ of an endless dirty sweater, really." He breathed a sigh of relief as Nami nodded morosely.

"Oh, Sanji," she said again. "My soul feels like it's being entombed. Like it'll never see the light again. It's like - like -"

This time Sanji held his breath patiently.

"Like a mauloseum of despair!" Nami finally burst out, looking fetchingly tragic in the misty half-light and just a shade triumphant.

"Er-" Sanji hesitated. "I'm sure you know the state of your own soul best, Nami my tortured cherubim, but I thought last night you said it was a _whirlpool_ of despair?"

Nami all but glared at him. "It's the same thing," she said testily. "The whirlpool of despair _leads down to_ the mauloseum of despair, which is all the more despairing for being at the bottom of the ocean, do you see?" Her look dared him not to.

It seemed a shame, but Sanji was forced to disappoint her in the name of self-preservation. "Of course I do," he exclaimed, taking a step back from her -- loveliness. "See, that is. Ah, do you know, I think I left something in the oven. I should hate for charred food to touch your innocent lips, Nami my love! And so I must away!" Backing away faster from her than he had ever moved from any woman, Sanji beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen.

He had ten minutes of peaceful pastry decorating before Zoro walked into the galley with that infuriating smirk on his face.

"Had a good morning, PrettyBrow?"

Sanji ground his cigarette to so much pulp and tobacco dust between his teeth. Damn swordsman and his damn baited greetings. "What's it to you, jerkface?" he shot back.

"Nothing," Zoro said, contriving to look as innocent as his thuggish features would allow. "Nami and I were just having a really interesting chat, that's all."

Sanji almost dropped the tray of cinnamon rolls. "You...and - and _Nami_?" He gaped. "What could _you_ possibly say that would interest the vast intellectual superiority of my darling Nami?"

Zoro ignored the last comment. "Oh, you know. She said I was the only one who really understood her, and I told her it was always okay to cry, and she said I was the best emotional support a girl in inner turmoil could ever have, and we talked about the way her soul was like a cavern of despair. The usual." He smirked again, but felt it fade when he saw Sanji settling back on his heels, an identical smirk on his face.

The cook transported the cinnamon rolls safely to the kitchen table. "Dunno who you were talking to, Marimo," he commented, "but it wasn't Nami. _Nami_, you see, is entombed in a mauloseum of despair, not some crap cavern."

Zoro growled. He snatched a roll off the tray. Sanji was too busy congratulating himself to notice. "It's not a crap cavern, you shit cook," he said hotly through a mouthful of roll. "She is stumbling around in the dark, winding deeper and deeper into passages that never seem to end, while stalactites of doom continuously threaten to fall upon her. And she can never find the exit, and it feels like she's being swallowed by the very bowels of the earth, _okay_?" He took a deep breath and licked some cinnamon off his fingers.

"Right," said Sanji, unimpressed. "In other words, like a mauloseum."

"Not like a mauloseum, you ass!" Zoro snarled, banging a rather sticky hand down on the table. "A mauloseum," he continued, "implies a man-made structure. _This_ is a natural limestone cavern, carved out by millenia of erosion from underground waters and boasting several geological wonders. Your stupid mauloseum of so-called despair cannot even _compare_."

Sanji bristled. "What did you say?" he growled, shifting subtly into a a fighting stance. "Take that back, Mosshead, or I'll send you into a natural limestone cavern of _pain_."

"Not until you admit Nami's soul is _not_ a mauloseum of despair!"

"Well, I can't do that, because it _is_ a mauloseum of despair!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not not not!"

"Too too too times infinity!"

"Not not not times infinity plus one!"

"God, that's so cheap!"

"Hey guys!"

Sanji looked up from attempting to bite through Zoro's leg with his teeth, and Zoro abruptly loosened his headlock on the cook as Luffy strolled through the door.

"Ooh, are those cinnamon buns?" the rubber boy said brightly. "I was just getting hungry!" Not waiting for a response, Luffy stretched out two thin arms and snatched the tray, the entire contents of which he promptly slid into his mouth.

"Luffy!" Sanji shoved Zoro aside to tackle his Captain, putting his hands around the boy's neck as if to shake the rolls out of his mouth before they got too soggy. "Those were for Nami!"

"Geh." Luffy coughed, spraying bits of pastry all over Sanji's front, swallowed, and made a face. "But Nami doesn't need them."

"What? Of course she does! Her soul is being entombed in a freaking mauloseum of despair! Cinnamon rolls may very well be the only thing that can bring her back!"

"_Natural limestone cavern_," said Zoro from where he was sitting on the galley floor, massaging his leg and glaring.

Luffy laughed. "Man, I have no idea what you're talking about, but Nami's definitely not in a cave or a maulo-whatsit. I was just kissing her."

"WHAT?" The swordsman and the cook stared, aghast, at their Captain and blanched as one, then pretended they hadn't.

Luffy absently wiped some frosting from his mouth. "Yeah...Nami's soul got locked in a meatlocker of despair, so I thought a kiss might cheer her up. Plus maybe she'd give me some meat when her soul got unstuck." He frowned. "I wonder what soul meat tastes like?"

"There's no such thing as soul meat, Luffy," Sanji said impatiently. "Trust me, I'd know if there was. More importantly..." He pointed a challenging finger at Zoro. "Too too too times infinity plus two, you bastard!"

"Not not not times infinity plus three!"

"Guys? Don't you want to hear about the meatlocker of despair?"

"Too too too times bracket infinity times unknown value n bracket!"

"It's like, right? when the cold is like the cold in Nami's soul, and it's dark like her soul, and the frozen blocks of raw meat are like her unrealized dreams hanging frozen, never to thaw out and be marinated in a delicious truffle sauce because she's locked herself in and can't find the key, right? And -"

"Your stupid mauloseum wreaks havoc on the environment!"

"Oh, like you care so much about the enviroment! And when have you ever thought it was okay to cry, anyway!"

"If you licked a piece of frozen soul meat in a meatlocker of despair, would your tongue get stuck to it, do you think?"

"For the last time, Luffy, there is no such think as soul meat!"

"But if there _was_ -"

"Guys!"

This time, the three of them paused in their activities - Zoro hitting Sanji about the head with Wadou, Sanji kicking Luffy in the head with one hard leather shoe, and Luffy blithely licking the remaining frosting from the cinnamon roll tray - as Usopp burst through the door.

"Guess what?" The sniper paused dramatically in the doorway. The fog circled in ominously. "The person standing on the deck _isn't Nami_!"

Zoro, Sanji, and Luffy all got up to peer around Usopp.

"Well, no," Sanji said finally. "It's Chopper." He pointed to where the little reindeer was fiddling with somethine medicinal near the mast.

"No, you ass!" Usopp said in exasperation. He directed Sanji's finger to the more distant, curvier figure standing at the prow of the ship. "The person who _looks_ like Nami -" he paused again significantly, "_isn't Nami_!"

"Oh." They all stared some more. "That makes a bit of a difference, then."

With another swirl of fog, the day suddenly took a turn for the decidedly sinister.

- - - - -  
**notes:** Who is the curvaceous figure at the prow of the ship, _really_? Have Sanji, Zoro, and Luffy all been played for fools? Does Luffy even really care? If given a choice, would you prefer to be stuck in a mauloseum, natural limestone cavern, or meatlocker? Or some other enclosing space of despair? How did this turn into a multi-part serial when I said it'd be wrapped up in this chapter? Oh, well.

My cousin really did get herself locked in a meatlocker once. Hearing the story later, I thought it was pretty funny, but she apparently found it much less so. Thanks for reading, please review!


	11. Whirlpools, Mauloseums, and a Cavern 3

**notes:** I think most of these stories have been less 'parody' and more 'mockery.' This chapter is actually kind of a parody because I used a scene from C.S. Lewis's _The Silver Chair_ to set up a scene here. Except the parodying scene is the least funny bit of this chapter. Oh, the irony! I cry.

**"A Whirlpool, a Mauloseum, and a Natural Limestone Cavern: part 3"**

The next few moments were tense, as Sanji, Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp huddled around the galley door and hissed out an argument amongst themselves.

"How do you know it's not Nami?" Sanji was whispering heatedly.

"Because -"

"Yeah, she sure looked real when I was kissing her!" Luffy said.

Sanji grit his teeth. "Will you _shut up_ about kissing Nami?" he snapped at his Captain. He grabbed Usopp by the nose and pulled him close. "Come on, crap liar," he said. "You'd better have very, very good evidence to back up your dastardly accusations."

Usopp squawked and tried to pull himself free, in vain. "I don't know what she really is," he said somewhat indistinctly. "All I know is that she's taken on Nami's form and hidden the real Nami somwhere, and she's planning on sucking out all of our souls by making us act contrary to our natures, so much so that we forget who we really are, and she'd going to feed our souls to her own power, and then use that power to take over the world!"

"How do you know?" Zoro asked suspiciously. Sanji kicked him for copying his line, but the swordsman ignored him. "I didn't see _you_ having a heartfelt conversation about Nami's cavern of despair."

"The Great Captain Usopp never reveals his sources," The Great Captain Usopp said with as much dignity as he could muster in his current position.

"In other words," Sanji said, letting go of Usopp's nose at last, "you made it up."

"I did not!" Usopp shot back indignantly. "After I saw Luffy kissing her, I thought something really weird was going on. I mean, since when does Luffy kiss things? And since when does Nami let herself be kissed? And since when does Zoro like to talk about feelings? And since when does he talk to _Nami_ about feelings? It just didn't make sense. So I went up to that...that...Not-Nami, but before I could say anything, she turned around and said, 'Usopp, I like you, but I don't _like_ like you. Let's just stay friends.'" The sharpshooter paused dramatically, aware that he held his audience's full attention. "And that's when I _knew_."

Luffy nodded sagely. "That's a pretty clear rejection, all right," he said. "I'dve spotted it, too."

"No!" Usopp glared at Luffy. "I mean, yes, but...no. The point is, the _real_ Nami would have known better than to spurn the company of the Great Captain Usopp!"

This point was heard, considered, and then politely ignored.

"So..." Zoro scratched his head. "That's not Nami."

"No."

"And Nami's not actually stuck in a cavern of despair, because that's not Nami, and I'm missing a part of my soul."

"Right."

Zoro brooded about this for a while. The others watched him. Finally, the swordsman stood up. He took the green bandana off his arm and tied it around his head. His hand strayed to the hilts of the swords at his hip. "The only way to stop her," he declared, "is to cut off her head."

"_WHAT_!" The heel of Sanji's shoe caught Zoro straight in the face.

Zoro brushed it off, revealing a fevered, slightly crazed gleam in his eye. "Look at it this way," he countered. "If it's not Nami, I'll rid the world of a great evil. If it _is_ Nami, I'll rid myself of that stupid debt. It's a win-win situation, really."

Sanji go to his feet threateningly. "I won't let you hurt a hair on her head!" he declared.

"Hey, crap cook. Weren't you listening? That's not Nami. According to Longnose here, it might not even be human."

"I don't care! She looks like Nami and she hasn't kicked me in the crotch yet! That's good enough for me!" He prepared to dash outside, determined to either protect the Nami look-alike from his deranged crewmate, or throw himself in her arms, whichever opportunity presented itself first.

"Hey!" The back of Luffy's arm connecting solidly with his spine stopped Sanji abruptly and painfully in his tracks. The hatted boy ignored him as he doubled over, groaning and cursing in alternate breaths. "Not-Nami's saying something to Chopper!" Luffy's arm continued its sweep to point out at the deck.

No-Nami had descended from the ship's prow and walked over to the diminuitive rendeer while they had all been arguing. Now she was sqatting down by his side, her face earnest. Sanji could just make out the shimmer of tears in Not-Nami's beautiful eyes as the rays of the afternoon sun caught their liquid brilliance.

"Stop her!" Usopp shrieked, forgetting to keep his voice down. "If Chopper talks to her, he's done for!"

"Right!"

Before Sanji could stop _him_, Luffy was stretching out his arms and extending them to the two figures on the deck. He grabbed Chopper and snapped his arms back. Chopper sailed through the air and into the galley with a startled scream.

"Shhh!" Usopp hissed - rather hypocritically, Sanji thought - as Luffy dumped the ship's doctor on the floor, still shrieking. "We had to get you away or else Not-Nami would have sucked out your soul!"

"What are you talking about!" Chopper gasped. "Nami was just talking about how sad she was and how her soul was like a tundra of despair. I was going to --"

"Dammit!" Zoro's outburst cut off the rest of Chopper's words. "She's changed her battle tactics," the swordsman said grimly. "Now she's trying to trap us using horrifically infinite spaces of despair. That...that..." He fell into a seething silence as he failed to conjure up the appropriate words to describe Not-Nami's evilness.

Usopp pointed a trembling arm out the door. "And she's coming right this way!" he quavered.

Involuntarily, all of them, even Sanji, even Zoro, began backing further into the room. It was no use. Not-Nami continued her steady advance, crossing the deck, climbing the stairs, stepping softly across the threshold. Like molasses, Sanji thought. Fashionable, shapely molasses.

Zoro growled as Not-Nami came into the room. "One more step, witch," he warned, "and I'll have your damn head off. I'm _nobody's_ emotional support."

"Oh, Zoro." Not-Nami smiled. She looked tragic and brave. "I'm not going to hurt you. All ever I wanted from you - from all of you - was love and understanding. Why don't we all sit down and talk about this?" As if obeying her command, the rest of the crew found themselves moving towards the table.

"No," Usopp said weakly, even as he slid into a seat opposite Zoro. "Don't talk to her..."

But he wasn't fast enough to stop Luffy from asking from the seat beside him, "Who _are_ you?"

Not-Nami drew herself up to her full height. Even if she was an imposter, Sanji thought she was the loveliest person trying to suck out his soul and reason for being that he'd ever met. "I am the Light and the Darkness," Not-Nami said distantly. Her voice sounded like starlight. "The Beginning and the End. The Alpha and the Omega. The --"

"Hamburger and the french fries?" Luffy chimed in helpfully.

Not-Nami looked at him coldly. "No."

"The sword and the scabbard?" Zoro said.

"No."

"The starting line and the finish line?" said Chopper.

"_No,_" said Not-Nami testily. "I am --"

"The appetizer and after-dinner coffee!"

"The hammer and the nail!"

"The udder and the milk!"

"Hahaha, gross."

"No! I'm not any of those things!" Not-Nami screamed at them. She suddenly looked a lot less tragic and a lot more menacing. Kind of like the real Nami at her worst. Best, Sanji corrected himself. Angriest, anyway. "Only the things that I, specifically, have stated!" Not-Nami continued. "And it doesn't matter anyway." She glared at them as they huddled around the galley table. "You've already stumbled into my trap and there is no way to escape!"

"What! No, we haven't!" said Zoro indignantly.

"Yeah!" Luffy added. "I didn't even _see_ a trap!"

"Stop!" Usopp gestured frantically at his shipmates. "Don't talk to her!"

Ignoring him, Not-Nami began advancing on the crew, a sweet smile on her dainty lips. She asked Luffy, "And just where is this trap that you didn't see?"

Luffy pointed vaguely. "I think it was over there."

Everybody, some of them in spite of themselves, turned their heads to look. "Yeah Luffy I think you're right," said Zoro. "Wait. I didn't mean to say that."

"What _did_ you mean to say, Zoro?" Not-Nami asked silkily.

"Uhh I dunno." Looking a mixture of astonishment and outriage, Zoro clamed a hand over his mouth, but they all heard him mumble through his fingers, "You sure are smart Nami."

"Yeah Nami you're the best," stated Luffy.

Chopper's furry features were worried, but his voice was a flat monotone as he said, "Wait Luffy and Zoro what are you saying you never talk to Nami like that."

"But they will from now on." Not-Nami looked around the table. "As will all of you. You will talk to me however I want you to talk, and it won't matter who says what, because it will all be about me. And once you've given your souls to me, you will help me gather more souls, until I have the whole world talking about and to me! Only me!" She threw back her head and laughed.

"No..." Chopper was visibly struggling against Not-Nami's words. "I...I don't want to have my soul sucked out! I have to find the medicine that will cure every sickness in the world!'

Not-Nami stopped laughing. She turned to him and opened her eyes wide. "A medicine that will cure every sickness?" she repeated in astonishment. "But what one medicine could do that? What would it look like?"

"I...I don't know..."

"Then how do you know it exists?"

"Maybe...maybe..." Chopper struggled to get the words out, "you'd have to make it..."

"Silly Chopper," Not-Nami said. "There's no such thing as a medicine that can cure _everything_. Only a mystical healing power can do that. And I have that power."

"You do?"

"Yes." Not-Nami smiled. "So you see, you don't have to bother with your quest anymore. You don't even have to be a doctor. If someone needs to be cured, I'll do the curing. Okay?"

Chopper nodded obediently, his eyes glazed. "Okay."

Nami walked over to him and stroked his fur. "Good."

"You - you can't..." Zoro said, though he sounded uncharacteristically uncertain. "I've gotta find Mihawk...be the strongest swordsman..."

"But, Zoro, _I'm_ the strongest swordswoman in the world," Nami said gently. "And I've already beaten Mihawk. You couldn't possibly hope to win against me."

"But Kuina..."

"Kuina," Not-Nami said firmly, "is a type of fruit."

Zoro repeated, "Kuina is a type of fruit." He looked faintly puzzled by his own words, but after a minute he settled in his seat and went to sleep.

Something was bothering Sanji, but he couldn't get his mind properly focused enough to figure out what it was. Everything Not-Nami said made sense. Sanji was perfectly happy, even under normal circumstances, to make his every word about and to Nami. But something was still wrong. What was it? Sanji couldn't concentrate. His last, dazed thought as Not-Nami advanced on him was, _I knew it. Kuina **is** a type of fruit_.

- - - - -  
**notes:** Oh my goodness! Things have taken a turn for the sinister. Even so, I think more people should phrase their omnipotence as "the hamburger and the french fries." Such a good way to breathe new life into fantasy and video game villains. Anyway, it appears that most people would go for the natural limestone cavern of despair. I'd have to say I agree. What a good way to use our natural resources without disrespecting them. Please give feedback, throw cyber-peanuts, whatever you like :D


	12. The Mugiwara Message Board

**notes:** I'm not sure if this breaks the story format rules. My justification for it is that it has a plot, albeit a very silly one, and a conclusion to said plot, albeit an equally silly one. Don't hurt me?

**"The Mugiwara Message Board"**

**Message 01**  
Which one of you crapjerks stole the cookies from the cookie jar? I hope you enjoyed them, because they're the last things you'll ever eat in this lifetime.

- Sanji

**Message 02**  
Usopp did it! At least, I'm pretty sure he did. If it wasn't me, it must have been him!

-Luffy, The Pirate King!

**Message 03**  
Who...me? No! I swear, Sanji, it couldn't be! I didn't even know you had a jar of cookies intentionally mislabed 'mayonnaise' hidden behind a box of tabasco sauce on top of the refridgerator. The Great Captain Usopp does not lie!

-The Great Captain Usopp

**Message 04**  
Yes, he does. Whatever; I don't care. If it wasn't you, then who? Whoever it was, confess right now and I'll kick you into next Wednesday.

-I'm Not Making Dinner Until Someone's Ass Gets Kicked

**Message 05**  
...Don't you mean _'OR'_?

-The Great Captain Usopp Just Wants To Know For Posterity's Sake

**Message 06**  
No. No, I do not.

-I Am Not Even Joking

**Message 07**  
Robin took them. Get back in the kitchen, LoveCook.

-I'm Hungry

**Message 08**  
Don't tell me what to do, Marimo! And how dare you accuse my dear, dear Robin of such a lowly, petty theft! What kind of coward are you, using a beautiful woman to cover up your crimes! As soon as I'm done writing this, I'm going over there to kick your green-haired ass!

-S

**Message 09**  
I saw what I saw. And if you _are_ going to fight someone, don't leave in the middle to fix Nami a snack.

-I Won And I'm Hungry

**Message 10**  
Actually, Mr. Swordsman is quite right. I did help myself to some cookies this morning. I thought they would go nicely with a cup of coffee. So sorry to have caused any inconvenience, Mr. Cook. Would you like to send me into next Wednesday now or later?

-Robin

**Message 11**  
Ah, darling Robin! Of course I was only speaking metaphorically! If you would like to visit next Wednesday, then please let me be your gentle, humble guide! In the meantime, by all means help yourself to as many cookies as you like! My kitchen is honored to be visited by your lovely presence. What flavor would you like the next batch of cookies to be? Shall I move the cookie jar next to your deck chair for convenience? Just say the word; I am yours to command!

-Chef Sanji

**Message 12**  
Wow! If I steal some cookies, will you move the cookie jar next to my hammock?

-Luffy, The Pirate King!

**Message 13**  
If you steal _anything_ from my kitchen, I'll tie you into knots, rubber boy.

-I'm Only Making Dinner Because Nami Told Me To

**Message 14**  
Um, guys? Who stole all the underwear from the laundry hamper...?

-Chopper

- - - - -


	13. The Five Little Pirates

Bah. My broswer is being wonky and won't let me finish making a new story. So I'm adding this in here, even though it doesn't really fit in. Please read and enjoy regardless --;

**"The Five Little Pirates"**

Once upon a time there were five little pirates: four little boy pirates and a pretty little piratess. The five little pirates all lived on a ship called the _Going Merry_, and most of the time they were very happy together.

It was the little piratess's job to make maps, to show where the little pirates were going and where they had come from. The little piratess was very good at making maps and she took her job very seriously. She got terribly upset if the other little pirates were being too rowdy while she was working. The four little boy pirates were often rowdy, so the little piratess was quite often in a bad temper.

One day, the little piratess was working hard on her latest map. It was almost finished. Suddenly, something crashed into the wall outside her room, making everything shake. The little piratess sighed. The four little boy pirates were being rowdy again. She looked down at her map and gasped. The inkwell on the table had shook because of the crash, and it had shaken so hard that it'd turned right over! Now there was black ink spreading all over the little piratess's new map.

The little piratess became terribly, terribly angry.

The next morning, the little piratess made the other little pirates pack up all their belongings and get into a rowboat. "I can't work with you idiots around," she said. "Go away and build your own ship, and don't come back until you've learned to behave yourselves." Then she cut the rope that connected the rowboat to the _Going Merry_, and went inside to have lunch.

The four little pirates were annoyed at being turned out of their own ship, but they decided to follow the little piratess's instructions, and build their own ship to pass the time until the little piratess stopped being angry. But they could not agree on what to build a ship out of. Finally, the Fourth Little Pirate, who was very clever, suggested that they each go their separate ways and build their own separate ships. They would see whose ship was the best, and then all of them would live on it. The other little pirates agreed that this was a very good idea, and when they reached an island, that was just what they did.

The First Little Pirate built his ship out of straw. He liked straw a lot, because he had a straw hat that a friend had given to him a long time ago. Nobody believed the First Little Pirate's straw ship would float. But somehow it did, and he was very happy with it.

The Second Little Pirate decided to build his ship out of swords. It wasn't a very sturdy ship, and the swords kept rusting over, but the Second Little Pirate, who never, ever listened to what anybody said, sailed off in his sword ship just the same.

The Third Little Pirate, who thought he was being very clever, built his ship out of bricks. It sank the minute he got it into open water. He barely managed to swim back to shore. Having learned his lesson, the Third Little Pirate built his next ship out of doughnuts.

The Fourth Little Pirate, who was the cleverest and most sensible one of the lot, built his ship out of wood and nails. He lived very comfortably on it, and wondered how the other little pirates were getting on. It was almost time to meet with them again, and see whose ship was the best.

Before too long, however, a Big Bad Chain-Smoker began prowling the seas, looking for the four little pirates. It was the Big Bad Chain-Smoker's job to catch all pirates, and to put an end to their pirating. He soon came upon the First Little Pirate's straw ship.

"Little Pirate, Little Pirate, let me in!" called the Big Bad Chain-Smoker from the deck of his own ship. "I've come to put you in jail!" He thought he was being quite reasonable.

"No way!" said the First Little Pirate. "You're crazy, mister."

The Big Bad Chain-Smoker didn't like being called crazy. He said again, "Let me in!"

The First Little Pirate replied, "No! Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!"

The Chain-Smoker said, "You don't have any hairs on your chin."

"Not...by the teeth in my grinny-grin-grin?" the First Little Pirate said.

"In that case," said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker grimly, "I shall have to take extreme measures."

So he huffed and he puffed on his two cigars, and he knocked the straw ship down in a cloud of smoke.

The First Little Pirate was very alarmed when his ship was knocked down, because he couldn't swim. Luckily, the Second Little Pirate happened to be passing by in his ship made of swords. He fished the First Little Pirate out of the ocean and they sailed away quick.

But because the ship made of swords was not a very sturdy ship, the Big Bad Chain-Smoker soon caught up with them.

"Little Pirates, Little Pirates, let me in!" he called out as before. "I've come to put you in jail!"

"No!" the Second Little Pirate shouted back. "Not by the scars on my shinny-shin-shin!"

"In that case," said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker grimly, "I shall have to take extreme measures."

And just like he did before, he huffed and he puffed on his two cigars, and he knocked the sword ship down in a cloud of smoke.

The Second Little Pirate was very annoyed at having all of his swords knocked into the sea. But he managed to save his three best ones and, hanging on to the First Little Pirate, swam away from the Big Bad Chain-Smoker until he reached the Third Little Pirate and the ship made of doughnuts.

The Third Little Pirate pulled the other little pirates out of the water and began to make some tea. He was sure that, with the three of them together, they could defend the ship made of doughnuts against the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. But it turned out they didn't have to. Before the Big Bad Chain-Smoker could get close enough, the First Little Pirate ate the entire ship made of doughnuts.

The Third Little Pirate was very annoyed at having his ship eaten, and almost left the First Little Pirate to drown. But in the end he took hold of one of the First Little Pirate's arms, and the Second Little Pirate took hold of the other, and together they swam away from the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. After a long, long time, they finally reached the Fourth Little Pirate and his ship made out of wood.

The Fourth Little Pirate was very glad to see the other little pirates again, and also secretly glad that his ship had turned out to be the best after all. He pulled the three little pirates out of the water and got them into some dry clothes. Before long, however, the Big Bad Chain-Smoker was sailing up alongside.

"Little Pirates, Little Pirates, let me in!" he called out. "I've come to put you in jail!"

"No!" the Third Little Pirate shouted back. "Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!" It was what he'd meant to say to the Big Bad Pirate before the First Little Pirate ate his ship. The Third Little Pirate was very proud of the hairs on his chin and wanted to let the Big Bad Pirate know that he, unlike the First Little Pirate, had hit puberty.

"Are you the Captain of this ship?" said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker severely. "If you're not, don't presume to answer for him."

"That's right!" said the Fourth Little Pirate. "I'm the Captain of this ship made out of wood! I will face the Big Bad Chain-Smoker, man to man!"

"Then let me in, Little Pirate!" said the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. "I've come to put you all in jail!"

The other three little pirates waited anxiously to see what the Fourth Little Pirate would do. If the Big Bad Chain-Smoker knocked down the ship made out of wood in a cloud of smoke, they didn't think they could swim away from him again.

The Fourth Little Pirate took a deep breath and shouted, "I'll do whatever you say! Just don't hurt me!"

The other little pirates all kicked or hit the Fourth Little Pirate in the head.

"Ouch!" the Fourth Little Pirate cried. "I mean...no! Never! Not by the head of my pinny-pin-pin!"

The Big Bad Chain-Smoker threw back his head and laughed. "A pin?" he said. "Have you been sewing, Little Pirate? Let me see this terrible pin of yours!"

The Fourth Little Pirate threw something at the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. It was a pin with a flat tip. The head was a large ring. It did not look very useful for sewing. A moment later, something else came flying through the air towards the Big Bad Chain-Smoker, and he realized that the Fourth Little Pirate had been talking about a hand grenade.

The Big Bad Chain-Smoker turned his body into a cloud of smoke, but that didn't stop his ship from being blown into a thousand pieces by the hand grenade. His body turned back into itself, and he fell into the ocean with a great cry of alarm, because he couldn't swim either.

The First Little Pirate, who was very kind-hearted, immediately dove into the ocean after the Big Bad Chain-Smoker. He had forgotten that he couldn't swim. A second later, the Second Little Pirate and the Third Little Pirate also jumped into the sea, because they were really very fond of the First Little Pirate. The Fourth Little Pirate stayed on the ship made out of wood. Someone needed to guard it, just in case they were attacked again. Also, his knees were shaking so hard that he could barely stand up, but the Fourth Little Pirate was pretty sure that was just from the effort of throwing the hand grenade.

After a little while, the Second Little Pirate and the Third Little Pirate popped back to the ocean surface. The Second Little Pirate was carrying the First Little Pirate, and the Third Little Pirate was holding onto the back of the Big Bad Chain-Smoker's jacket. Together, they swam back to the ship made of wood.

The Fourth Little Pirate found some more dry clothes for everyone. The Third Little Pirate made some tea. When the Big Bad Chain-Smoker woke up, all the little pirates gathered around him. But before the Big Bad Chain-Smoker could thank the little pirates for saving his life, the Fourth Little Pirate hit him in the back of the head with a five-ton mallet. The Big Bad Chain-Smoker was knocked out cold.

The four little pirates sailed quickly to an island and kicked the Big Bad Chain-Smoker onto the docks. Then they turned around and sailed away as fast as the wind could carry them. They all agreed that they weren't trying to run away before the Big Bad Chain-Smoker could wake up and chase after them. They just really wanted to make sure the Little Piratess was safe, all alone on the _Going Merry_.

When the four little pirates caught up with the _Going Merry_ again, they found that the Little Piratess was very happy to see them. She had been feeling lonely, with no one to talk to or yell at except the seagulls. She welcomed the four little pirates back onto the ship, and showed them the map she had drawn while they'd been away. Then the five little pirates had a party, and ate and drank and danced until dawn.

The End...until the Big Bad Chain-Smoker wakes up

- - - - -  
**notes:** (In case you led a very isolated childhood: Written as the "Three Little Pigs" story, abridged version.) Very silly, very sugar-coated. But I would write it all again, just to have Zoro say "shinny-shin-shin!" Originally it was going to the Big Bad Crocodile, who wanted to turn the Little Pirates into mummy specimens for his new mummy museum. But he doesn't consistently smoke cigars, and I'd really wanted to work in the "huffed and puffed" line. Whatever. Crocodile and his mummy fetish will show up sooner or later. This I swear! Please review :D


	14. OTP 2gether 4ever

**OTP 2gether 4ever**

Chopper wanted to ask Nami about an unfamiliar word he found in a book, so he carefully marked his place with a square of paper and climbed down the ladder below decks.

Unfortunately, he never even made it past the bottom rung. Luffy and Zoro were swaying together in a hammock, engaged in naughty deeds.

Chopper raced back up the ladder. Maybe the storage room was safer.

But Robin was already there, putting the moves on Nami.

The kitchen was no better, as Sanji was by the table, doing unspeakable things to Usopp.

Chopper sighed and wandered back outside. He would just have to look up the word himself.

In fact, he became so engrossed in the dictionary - did 'k' come _before_ 'l' or after it? - that he didn't notice the storm until it was almost on top of the ship. Chopper leapt to his hoofs in a shower of paper and pencils. Why hadn't Nami said something?! Come to think of it, where was everyone?

Chopper dashed back to the kitchen. He found Sanji leering suggestively at Zoro.

He ran to the cannon room.Ê Luffy and Usopp were giggling in the dark.

Chopper blushed, fled, and climbed up to the crow's nest, where Robin was doing unspeakable things to Nami.

"Nami!" Chopper gasped, averting his eyes. "There's a storm coming!"

"Not now, Chopper," Nami said. She waved him away. "Oooh, Robin, tell me again how pretty my eyes are."

Confused, dejected, and fearing for his life, Chopper slid down the mast and prepared for a nautical beating.

Somehow, and he was never quite sure how, the ship survived the storm and sailed on through calmer waters. To soothe his nerves, Chopper wandered around the ship in case Sanji turned up with an afternoon snack.

He wasn't in the tangering grove, where Luffy and Nami were sprawled under a shady tree.

Zoro and Usopp had somehow snuck into the girls' bedroom, where they were doing something athletic under the covers.

Finally, on the aft deck, Chopper found Robin doing something unspeakable to Sanji.

"Are we going to have snacks today?" the little reindeer asked.

"Only if Robin darling wishes it," Sanji managed to say.

Robin said nothing.

"I guess not today," Sanji concluded, and went back to performing lewd acts.

Chopper sighed and went to see if there were some biscuits left in the tin.

He wasn't sure who found them first, the Marines or the weevils. He had just dropped a biscuit on the kitchen floor in horror when the boom of far-off cannons sounded in the air." Chopper abandoned the cookie (and, he hoped, the weevil) and ran outside.

Three ships bearing the mark of the Marines on their sails could be seen in the distance. They were gaining by the minute. With a gulp, Chopper hurried to tell the others.

It was no use. Luffy was draped licentiously across Merry's figurehead. Zoro was flirting with his barbells. Nami and a tangerine tree were locked in a passionate embrace. Usopp whispered sweet nothings to the mast. Sanji was inviting his cigarette case back to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. And Robin was doing unspeakable things to the deck chair.

Sensing that he wasn't going to get sense out of his shipmates anytime soon, Chopper gave up and sat down to work on some Rumble Balls. He tried to chat up the mortar and pestle, but his heart wasn't in it.

As it happened, the Marine ships were too involved with their own romantic entanglements to bother with the _Going Merry_. The three warships breezed past their little Caravel, sending great waves splashing over the sides and leaving only the sound of heated accusations in their wake. Chopper, shaking salt water from his fur, felt it was his duty to tell everybody that the danger had passed.

Not that they cared, or had even noticed the threat in the first place. Luffy and Sanji had retired to the kitchen, where they were playing a game of "Chef and Dish-Boy." Zoro and Nami, in the bathroom, were just getting into a game of "Money Borrower and Debtor." And right out on the open deck, Robin was doing unspeakable things to Usopp.

_Okay,_ thought Chopper as he watched the Archaeologist and the Sniper move under the starlight, _now that's just weird._

Chopper sighed, for what had to be the tenth time that day. Sometimes, he really missed Drum Island. At least there had been some reindeer his own age.

- - - - -  
**notes:** Usopp/Robin is one pairing I haven't yet seen, though if someone pulled it off, it would be very interesting! And no, I'm not ready to transfer the crew to the Thousand Sunny. I - I fear change? (Please leave feedback!)


	15. Death By Water

**Death By Water**

The sky and sea that day were brilliant. Deep green ocean waves, topped with creamy white foam, seemed almost to imitate alpine mountains in summer, while overhead the sky glittered like aquamarine. Gulls wheeled above a small Caravel ship, cawing happily.

But from inside the ship's kitchen there came only the sound of grieving.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't _right._ Those were Sanji's disjointed thoughts as he smoked a desperate cigarette by the kitchen table. One of them should have seen - should have been there to catch him and pull him back from the dark, as they had all done so many times before. How ironic and so utterly twisted that the one time it had counted, nobody had been there at all.

Of course, there had been the battle, all black smoke and confusion and wood splinters flying like miniscule daggers every which way. No one had the luxury of guarding a friend; all energy was spent on beating back the roiling horde. And somewhere in that dark mess of shouting and blood, he fell, his cries - if indeed he had cried out at all - lost among the others. They didn't notice. They didn't search for him. He died alone, in the water, and they only learned of his passing when he bobbed up to the surface, pale and cold like so much debris.

The guilt was terrible. That he was lost to the ocean - that was not even the worst of it. No, the worst - the _very_ worst - was the solitude and anonymity of the crime. To not be alone, to take solace in kindred spirits: wasn't that what had brought them together and kept them whole? Sanji mulled over the thought bitterly as he surveyed the room. As if in self-punishment, his companions were scattered, each to his own corner to bear the weight of grief alone. They all blamed themselves.

Chopper and Usopp were weeping openly at opposite ends of the kitchen, and even Nami, drumming her fingers on the table in distress, could not keep her wondrous eyes dry. Robin sat in the shadows with an inward look. Her face was drawn and exhausted, as if each new death (and she had borne witness to many) dragged her soul down that much further.

Yet all their sorrow combined could not match that of the swordsman, Demon Hunter Roronoa Zoro. The great broad shoulders were hunched, the proud head bowed, the strong violent fingers now doing nothing but stroking that pale, still face. Zoro would not speak and he would not eat. He simply sat and stared and, Sanji feared, wished himself at the side of the one he loved best.

After was seemed like years of silence, Nami drifted over.

"What should we do with his body?" she asked in a low voice.

Sanji looked at her: practical even in despair, planning for the future even in the darkest hour. She was beautiful; someday he would find a way to tell her.

But for now, all thoughts must be given to him.

"I think," Sanji began, and stopped. He stubbed out the cigarette, buying time. Finally, he was ready to go on. "I _think_ we flush him down the toilet."

At the word, Zoro's fingers jerked and he flinched all over, as if struck. Chopper and Usopp raised tear-stained faces in disbelief.

"No," said the swordsman harshly. It was the first word he'd spoken all afternoon. "Not the toilet."

Sanji bristled in spite of himself. It had been a long day and he was in no mood to argue. "Then what else do you propose to do with it, Marimo?" he shot back.

"Him."

Angrily, Sanji jabbed a finger at the goldfish lying on the table. "No, Zoro. Not 'him.' It. _You_ decided to make it a 'him,' God knows why, but it's gone now. It's never coming back, and you'll just. Have to. Deal. With it!" By the time he finished he was shouting, to make himself be heard over the furious scraping of the chair as Zoro leapt to his feet and the renewed wailing of his crewmates. In truth, Sanji did not know who he was trying to convince - Zoro, or himself.

"He was one of us!" the swordsman was yelling back, sweeping Sanji's thoughts away on the tide of anger. "He will be given honor, as a fallen companion!"

"I loved him, Sanji!" Chopper chimed in with a sob. "It - it just isn't fair!"

"_Life_ isn't fair, Chopper," Sanji answered curtly, though he tried to keep the worst of the frustration out of his voice for the reindeer's sake. "I told you, didn't I? A goldfish is not like a human or a dog. You have to control its food, because it can't control itself. You can't keep on feeding it because it looks lonely, or you feel sorry for it, or you think it's time for dinner. A fish with too much food in its belly will die. I'm sorry we didn't keep a feeding schedule. I'm sorry the fish died alone. But you've learned a valuable lesson now, so for crying out loud let's just flush it down the toilet and be done with it!"

The speech seemed to procure the desired effect. Though there were ominous, rebellious mumblings, like the rumble of a distant storm, everyone seemed ready to put the whole ugly affair behind them.

But then Robin spoke up.

"Mr. Swordsman is right. We cannot flush Mr. Goldfish down the toilet."

Sanji took a deep breath. "Why the hel - why ever not, Robin dear?" he asked. As much as he hated to admit it, the day's events had taken a bigger toll than he would have liked.

Robin nodded her head towards the lower deck. "Mr. Captain is still in the bathroom."

Dead silence greeted her news as they all digested this forgotten detail. Luffy, who had shut himself in the bathroom as soon as the battle was over (to continue, he claimed, his morning face exercises) had not checked in with Goldie the Goldfish with the rest of them and still did not know.

"The news would kill him," Nami said in a hushed voice.

"Yes," Sanji murmured. Actually, he mused dryly, it wasn't his captain's heart he was worried about so much as his stomach. Luffy had liked Goldie well enough, but Sanji wasn't sure he'd be willing to pass up a fish dinner in deference to a mere emotional bond. "Then what alternative do you suggest, my dear?" he said aloud to Robin, willing the horrible visions of Luffy and his appetite to dissipate from his mind.

Robin shrugged. "A burial at sea. Is it not the warrior's way?"

"Yes," Zoro said fervently. His eyes, until now dulled with the patina of rage and grief, began to take on their old and (Sanji thought sourly) fanatical glow.

"But Goldie wasn't a warrior," Sanji protested. Why did he feel like he possessed the last shreds of sanity left in the room?

"So?" Nami shrugged. "We'd give Usopp a burial at sea if _he_ ever died."

"That's right!" Usopp, by this time cheered enough to make his way to the table, proudly puffed out his thin chest. "The Great Captain Usopp deserves nothing less than - hey!"

The two of them fell to bickering.

"It must be done quickly," Robin continued.

"He needs a shroud," Zoro declared. That was when Sanji knew that the swordsman was crazy. Goldie's death had apparently snapped his mind so much that he was actually agreeing with Robin. It was with a certain amount of resignation that he watched Zoro snatch a napkin off the table and wrap the fish in it. "Sleep well," Zoro said reverently to the small yellow corpse. "This napkin shall be your raiment and bed in eternal slumber."

With those words, everyone - some of them still squabbling - filed out of the kitchen and into the fresh bright air.

Stepping into the light, with the crashing waves and wheeling birds overhead, was like a return to the living world after spending an age in the dark. They all found themselves remembering - not the sorrow of Goldie's passing - but of the good times, the joy of his short but fiercely lived life. One by one, slowly at first, they told stories about Goldie: the minutes spent watching him circle 'round his bowl, the way he almost followed a finger dragged across the glass but which was probably just coincidence, how they could leave for hours on an adventure and still return to find Goldie in the same spot, swimming aimlessly in a circle six inches in diameter. Now, in the briskly snapping breeze, even his three-second memory seemed precious.

There was no eulogy. The time for lamentations was over. There was some discussion about whether to light the napkin on fire and send Goldie out to sea on a pyre, but in the end Zoro just flung the tiny body as far as he could toward the horizon. They stood at the railing and listened for the distant 'plop' of the body hitting the water, and Sanji imagined that his companions were, as he was, thinking about Goldie rejoining his ancestors under the ocean waves. Such was the cycle of life, he mused. Goldie was part of the water now. His soul was free and his body would return to the elements; in every piece of seaweed and every fish caught for dinner they would find a piece of him, and in this way Goldie the Goldfish would be immortal.

But that was a truth to be realized in later days, in the quiet of the evening and the sudden, revelatory sight of a sea bass dressed in creamy garlic sauce. Now, while the others turned away to soldier on with their lives, Sanji and Zoro hung back behind.

For a while, they did nothing but stare out to sea in a rare, companionable silence.

Presently, Zoro said, "I never told him." His voice was very quiet. "I never told him that I loved him."

"But he knew," Sanji replied. "That's the important thing."

"I know," Zoro said, though he did not sound wholly convinced. Changing the subject, he said, "When should we tell Luffy?"

Sanji shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, does it? He'll know soon enough."

As if by an unspoken accord, the two left their post and headed back towards the kitchen. They could hear Luffy coming out of the bathroom and up the stairs. There was no need to tell him; he would know soon enough.

He would know soon enough.

- - - - -  
**notes:** Okay, it wasn't really death by water; more like death by overfeeding. But an excuse to quote Eliot is an excuse to quote Eliot. I had a ton of fun writing this one, and I hope you will find reviewing equally fun!


	16. Reconnaissance

**public service announcement:** On the offchance that you haven't already seen it, check out the One Piece 7th opening before reading this chapter! It won't make it any less crack-y, but it will make more sense :) 

**

Reconnaissance

**

"How did the mission go, Johnson?" 

Petty Officer Johnson stood at attention in Marine Captain Smoker's cramped ship cabin, fresh from his latest reconnaissance job. "I infiltrated Red-Haired Shanks's ship as instructed, sir," he said, staring at a point somewhere just above Smoker's cigars. 

"Good, Johnson." Smoker eased back in his chair. "And then what happened?" 

"Uh, yes. As I said, I managed to board the ship and retrieve the information without incident." Some memory seemed to find a crack in Johnson's training and he began to fidget in a most un-Marine-like manner. "It was when -" he faltered, then continued reluctantly as Smoker's eyebrows knitted together in annoyance, "It was when I was attempting to leave the ship that I ran into a slight problem. Sir." 

"What kind of slight problem?" Smoker growled. 

"Er, well..." Now Johnson was sweating. "Red-Haired Shanks, sir. I ran into him." 

Smoker sighed. "And then what happened, Johnson?" he asked wearily, almost resigned by now to his well-meaning subordinate's blunderings. 

"You see..." 

_He didn't know where they'd all come from. One minute the deck was empty, perfect for a quick getaway. The next - crawling with pirates. There were skinny ones, fat ones, scraggly ones sporting dreadlocks, and Johnson was sure none of them had had a bath in months. Hygiene was the last of his worries, however. His immediate problem was right in front of him and altogether too close for comfort. Red-Hared Shanks, though smiling genially, had him gripped by the throat with his one hand. The infamous pirate captain leaned in close. _

"You from the Marines, man?" he asked conversationally. 

Johnson could just barely nod. 

"And your captain's ordered you to spy on our merry band of ruffians?" 

Johnson made a sound that might have been a 'yes.' 

Shanks drew in even closer. Now Johnson was **sure** there was not a bar of soap to be found on board. 

"Remind your captain," said Shanks softly, the triple scars across his cheek seeming to glow with sudden menace, "That I'm a Crazy Rainbow Star, and I am not in the mood to play games." 

He dropped the trembling man to the deck. Johnson scrabbled backwards, upwards, then back some more. 

Johnson didn't wait to see him go. Quicker than quick he had shimmied down the rope still hanging from the side of the ship and thrown himself into the Marine reconnaissance boat. 

"A Crazy Rainbow Star," Smoker said flatly. 

"Yessir," Johnson said respectfully, though still shivering slightly. 

"And that was it. He let you go after that." 

"He _is_ a Crazy Rainbow Star, sir. He probably thought he could afford to be magnanimous." He added hurriedly as Smoker's eyebrows threatened to become truly angry, "Which was a mistake! He didn't bother to search me for the papers." Johnson drew a crumpled sheaf from the inside of his shirt and handed it to Smoker. "I came straight back to the ship and reported to you, and you asked me how the mission went, and I said 'I infiltrated Red-Haired Shanks's ship as instructed sir' and you said 'Good, Johnson and then what happened' and I said - " 

"That's enough, Johnson. I get the idea." Smoker rubbed a hand across his forehead. "Shanks didn't say anything else?" 

"Uh, no." Johnson gulped and took a step backwards, just in case this was the wrong answer. But Smoker was already rifling through the papers that Johnson had managed to smuggle out. One sheet in particular caught his eye and he pulled it out of the pile. A tanned visage graced with sleepy eyes and unruly freckles grinned back at him. 

"Portgas D. Ace," Smoker growled, gripping the photograph imprinted with the familiar, hated face with trembling fingers. At the bottom of the picture someone had scribbled 'Crazy Crazy Rainbow Star.' The second 'crazy' was underlined. Twice. 

"He's in on this too?" By now, Smoker was literally shaking with rage as he imagined the two men, one a Yonkou and the other a Yonkou's second-in-command, joining forces for whatever purpose. Who knew what heinous crimes they were committing in the name of 'Rainbow Star'? 

So intent was his concentration on Shanks and Firefist that he barely heard Johnson say, "Couldn't say, sir. Maybe, sir. Shanks does seem to have an interest in the family, sir. Maybe it's a term of endearment?" 

"Like hell it is," Smoker said darkly. "A pirate initiation blood oath, more like. And Mihawk? I suppose he's mixed up in this rainbow star business too?" 

"Nossir. He gave all that up when he became shichibukai." 

"Huh." It was difficult to tell whether the Marine captain was pleased or disappointed by the news. On the one hand, he wouldn't have to break up depraved pirate cults all around the Grand Line. On the other hand, he did so enjoy that sort of thing. An instant later, however, another, more troubling thought seemed to strike him. 

"What about Mugiwara?" he demanded. "What does Shanks have to say about him?" 

Johnson consulted his notes. "Uh - it doesn't look like he refers to Mugiwara specifically, but..." 

"But?" 

"Collectively, the Mugiwara crew is being referred to as 'Twinkle Twinkle Rainbow Star.'" 

"Dammit!" Smoker banged a fist down on the table and nearly swallowed his cigars in disgust. "As if that Strawhatted menace weren't enough of a thorn in my side! The last thing I need is for him to be involved in some secret rainbow society!" 

"Um, we don't have proof yet that it's a secret soci -" 

"We've got to stop Mugiwara before he attains the title of Crazy Rainbow Star," Smoker declared. He spat out a cigar and lit a fresh one. 

Johnson muttered, "Mugiwara's plenty crazy already, if you ask me..." 

"What was that , Johnson?" 

"Nothing, Sir." 

"It has to be some kind of ranking system," Smoker swept on. "It has to _mean_ something. Designed to confuse us. Why does Portgas D. Ace get two 'Crazy's? Why does a Yonkou only get one? Is Whitebeard a Crazy Rainbow Star? What about Dragon? 'Twinkle Twinkle Rainbow Star' - is that a description or a command? Is Shanks using Mugiwara as some sort of covert recruiting party? What does it all _mean_?" 

Johnson whipped his head from side to side, looking for an escape from the bombardment of questions he could not answer. "I - I - I..." Transfixed by confusion, paralyzed by bewilderment, he could only quaver stupidly, feet rooted to the carpet. "What do we _do_, Sir?" he burst out finally. "Who knows how many Rainbow Stars are out there!" 

Smoker closed his eyes. The world used to be a simpler place, he thought. There used to be a time when you chopped heads first and asked questions later. None of this alliance and double dealing stuff. It was just you, the pirate, and ax. More and more he found himself wishing for the days long past, before Shichibukai, before Yonkou, before Goddamn Crazy Rainbow Stars. 

Smoker smiled in grim self-mockery. How did that saying go? If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast our nets in the sea. No use in pointless longing. Except we do, he thought. Cast our nets in the sea. Every damn day, in fact. That's why we're stuck having tuna for breakfast. "I've got to talk to Cook about that," he mused. 

Petty Officer Johnson looked nervous. The conversation seemed to have run away from itself during the last few minutes. "Er...what was that, Sir?" 

"Nothing," Smoker snapped. He harumphed and sat up straighter. "Justice is not a rainbow, Johnson," he continued sternly. "It is black and white, often gray, and sometimes - just sometimes - sepia-toned. You asked what we are to do? I'll tell you what we're going to do. We are going to sail on. We will pursue the pirates on the seas and long land, in fair weather and foul, through rain and snow and raging fire. It is our duty. It is our calling. It is the task we were put on this beautiful, broken world to do. We will not rest until every Rainbow Star, no matter how crazy, has been hunted down and dragged before the monochromatic gates of justice. Is that clear, Petty Officer Johnson?" 

Johnson snapped a hand to his forehead in fervent attention. "Yes, sir!" he shouted. "I will do my best, sir!" 

Filled with new courage, he turned smartly on his heel and left to relay Smoker's orders to the crew. 

And the ship sailed on. 

- - - - - - 

**notes:** Petty Officer Johnson first showed up in "Snow Queen" and I am kind of intrigued by his role as an inept Marine reconnaissance officer. As well as his inability to be promoted! Anyway, please leave feedback. Anything - praise, groans, rotten tomatoes - is very much appreciated! 


	17. Language Makes Us Human

**notes:** Wow, it's been a while, huh? Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this silly collection of silliness since last time! Today we revisit a familiar theme: Zoro faces yet another unnamed enemy. Honestly, I should just rename this thing to "The Further Misadventures of Roronoa Zoro" and have done with it.

**Language Makes Us Human**

"This game grows tiresome," said the man at the other end of the abandoned, ancient courtyard. "It ends now."

Zoro grunted. His opponent, a monster of a man with scars crisscrossing his body, had so far fended off Zoro's attacks with little more than swats from the giant blade connected to his waist by a ten-foot length of chain. Zoro had been obliged to fall back to reconsider his strategy against a foe who had not yet even begun to break a sweat. Zoro grinned, even as he loosed Wadou from its sheaf and raised the hilt to his teeth; this was going to be _fun_.

"Why the smile, Roronoa Zoro?" his opponent sneered. "Are you really so eager to lay down your life?"

Beneath the bandana wrapped around his head, Zoro's eyes glittered with a dangerous, almost fanatical gleam. "Gnnnunnph," he said, and shifted his feet in preparation for attack.

The man also began to ready for the next exchange of blades. "I see," he said. "So that's how it's going to be."

"Nnnghb."

"Oh? Then you won't mind a demonstration!"

Not bothering to answer him again, Zoro sprang forward at the exact moment that the giant man lunged forth, and the ensuing skirmish left them both breathing heavily.

The man wiped away blood from a cut on his cheek. "So I was right to seek you out, Roronoa Zoro."

"Grnnmnphnngnph," Zoro snarled, and was rewarded by a sword sailing with deadly accuracy toward his gut on the end of a chain; he dug in his heels and deflected the blow, though not without considerable effort.

"You're mad," the man said in an ugly voice. All traces of joviality had gone from his tone.

"Mmnngph."

"And I say you can go to hell!" the man roared. He let his sword fly once more; once more Zoro beat it back. "10,000 Beli is highway robbery and I will not pay!"

"Guh?"

"You heard me!" the man shouted. "Neither you nor your greasy-fingered associates shall touch a hair on my head!"

"_Guhh??_"

Zoro whipped around, only to find, half-crouched behind a broken pillar, Sanji holding a large placard above his head. Nami and Usopp stooped on either side of the cook. The placard read, "NO ONE WILL PERFORM A CUT AND SHAMPOO FOR LESS"

The swordsman and his crewmates stared at each other for one long moment. Then the trio behind pillar took off, dropping the placard as they ran. With an indistinct yell, Zoro started after them, but it was too late; by the time he reached the pillar there was no trace left of his companions but some a couple of quill pens and a stack of cardboard signs. Now positively seething, Zoro leaned down and picked one of the signs up. "YES I AM RENOWNED FOR MY THREE-SWORD HAIRSTYLING TECHNIQUE," it read.

"Nnngrrmmph!" Zoro all but screamed, his teeth digging dangerously deep into Wadou's hilt in his fury.

His opponent only scratched his head. "Ehhh…sorry, buddy," he said bemusedly. "Can't understand a word you're saying. Maybe if you took that sword out of your mouth," he added helpfully.

And that was when the courtyard became drenched in red.

- - - - -

**notes:** You know this is what Sanji, Nami, and Usopp are doing during Zoro's battles. And you further know that while Zoro may "speak from the heart", it doesn't mean anyone _understands_ him from the heart. Please review!


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